Ryan Braun Apology for Dummies
For those of you who may have missed Ryan Braun’s PED mea culpa this Thursday, here’s a more concise, no-nonsense version of his lame, long-winded apology:
Now that Major League Baseball has me absolutely dead to rights on this whole doping thing, I want to apologize. I have no one to blame but myself. But, make no mistake, I would not be here doing this right now if they didn’t truly have the goods on me.
I’m also sorry to all of those people who stuck up for me. Whaddaya gonna do? I really didn’t think I would get caught. My bad. I’ve still got millions of dollars, so you guys will still be friends with me, right?
OK, here’s the part where I tell all of you that at some time or another I had some sort of difficult injury and used some creams and lozenges to help the rehab process and that I never used this stuff to make me a better ballplayer or anything like that. And you guys will hopefully believe this.
As for that press conference in February 2012 when I denied everything and threw that low-level sample collector guy under the bus? Sorry about that too. I want to clarify, when I say “low-level” I don’t mean any disrespect. I just figure, if you’re collecting cups of pee, you ain’t the boss or anything. Anyway, sorry Mr. Laurenzi. Also sorry that I suggested you might be an anti-Semite. I suppose that if you weren’t then you might just be one now. Heh. OK, let’s move on.
For too long during this process, I really thought I was gonna get away with it. That was a mistake. In June when MLB showed me that they had concrete evidence against me I thought, “Crap, guess this means I’m going to have to apologize now.”
But before I started saying sorry to everyone and their mothers, I requested a second meeting with MLB just to make double-, triple-, quadruple-sure that I was stone cold busted. I also wanted to make sure that they didn’t have any other crazy crap on me that I was going to have tell the truth about. Once they told me that this was it and that I was going to have to serve a 65-game suspension I said, “Let’s get it on! This season’s in the toilet anyway.”
I love the game of baseball and sincerely apologize to the commissioner and to all those guys who write me those big fat checks. Sorry also to all of those fans whose money pays my obscene salary. You guys rock. As for my teammates, thanks for having my back even when most of you knew I was guilty as sin. There’s not a rat among you guys. You’re my Milwaukee mafia.
Finally, someone told me to say that I support baseball’s Joint Drug Treatment and Prevention Program and the importance of cleaning up the game. I think we should start by banning Alex Rodriguez for life. That guy is the devil. Way worse than me, of that you can be sure. Though I would be remiss if I didn’t thank Alex for being so universally despised that I don’t look near as bad as I should in all of this. Thanks pal.
See you all next year!