The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
This past Monday the New York Jets held a secret practice in which they unveiled a flurry of wildcat formations, led by none other than their secret quarterback, Tim Tebow.
The secret practice was graced by the likes of Roger Goodell and his support staff, Bill Belichick and his film crew, the NFC, vice-president Joe Biden, FEMA, the New York Daily News and it's affiliates, the MetLife aerial blimp which somehow also contained Bill Belichick, and the AFC. In fact, the only team that did not attend the secret practice was the New York Giants, who simply did not give a shit.
"The wildcat's the wildcat, Tebow's Tebow, and the Jet's are the Jets," spat Giants' defensive end Osi Umenyiora. "We're not worried."
Not surprisingly, Rex Ryan, who had been looming behind Osi the entire time, had an opinion of his own:
"I tell you one thing about the wildcat offense we may or may not be employing this season," sputtered Ryan, "when it does or does not hit you, you're going to be wow'ed. You're not going to know how to defend it, if and when we put it out there, because with three tight ends stacking the strong side of the line, Tebow in the shotgun running the option, Cromartie coming aroung the weakside as the man in motion, Sanchez blocking as an overpaid wide receiver, and me hiking the ball as center, I'm telling you now, you've never seen anything like it."
While many feel that the attention given to the wildcat is an indication of a season already gone south, lukewarm Jet fan and part-time quarterback Mark Sanchez, a little choked up, was able to produce the following statement: "No, this is good, I like it," said Sanchez, who, at the moment, was demonstrating his leadership abilities by showing the rookie receivers how to double-knot their shoelaces. "Clearly the coaches have confidence in me as the quarterback of this football team. Why else would they feel comfortable enough to spend practice developing an entirely new offense?" he reasoned.
Referring to the schedule of secret practices the Jets brass have handed out during camp, they will continue to develop the wildcat up until mid-week, at which point they will switch to learning a new set of plays developed and graciously donated by Bill Belichick.
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