The Not-So-Magnificent Seven: NFL Games to Avoid this Weekend
This weekend’s slate of NFL games offers up several fairly interesting matchups and no shortage of games that can go either way. (Believe me, I’m in a “survivor pool” and you get the distinct feeling that a whole bunch of people are going to be eliminated by the end of the day Sunday.) But just because some of these games might be close, doesn't mean they're worth watching. In fact, there are at least seven games this weekend that you should avoid like an invitation to a boys night out with Aaron Hernandez. Here’s a quick rundown. All times are Eastern.
Colts @ Jaguars 1:00 pm: The Colts are going to absolutely manhandle Jacksonville this Sunday. You know it. I know it. Maurice Jones-Drew knows it. The Jags’ owner and his crazy mustache knows it. I don’t care if you have Andrew Luck, Reggie Wayne, and T.Y. Hilton on your fantasy team, you cannot seriously be thinking about watching this game. What to do instead: Clean out your gutters already, you lazy SOB. All of you on the West Coast feel free to sleep in.
Ravens @ Bills 1:00 pm: Sure the Ravens have notched a couple of wins since being destroyed opening night. And sure the Bills have been pretty scrappy in all three of their games despite their 1-2 record. I don’t care about any of that. This one smells like a dud. In light of last week’s Jets/Bills penalty orgy I wouldn’t be surprised to see the officials swallow their whistles and let the defenses play in this one. I smell a low-scoring snoozefest. What to do instead: Go apple picking with your girlfriend. Look, she’s going to drag you to do it sooner or later so you might as well get it over with.
Cardinals @ Buccaneers 1:00 pm: Let the Mike Glennon era begin! Trust me, you’re going to want to remember where you were when the guy who unseated the incredible Josh Freeman takes his first snaps so you can someday tell your grandkids. Then your grandkids can beat you over the head with wiffle ball bats and tell you what a crazy old fool you are. What to do instead: Play wiffle ball. Hey, why not? The weather’s still pretty nice and it’s not like baseball is over or anything… except for the New York Mets. It was over for them back in June.
Steelers @ Vikings @ London 1:00 pm: It’s really a shame that one of these teams has to come away from this game with a win. Wait! Can we root for a tie? Yes! Yes! That’s it!!! Let’s root for a tie! Phew. Glad we got that sorted out. What to do instead: Spend time with your kids. If you don’t have kids, spend your time thinking about how great it is that you don’t have kids and that you can just walk around the house in your underwear all day eating Doritos and drinking Natty Light. For you folks in England, just go down to the pub and play darts or snooker or something. You really have no business watching American football (or what passes for it) in the first place.
Giants @ Chiefs 1:00 pm: Old friends Tom Coughlin and Andy Reid renew acquaintances, and aren’t well all so excited. It’s the three-and-out blur versus the unstoppable turnover machine. The question is, which defense drops dead first? Seriously though, if you told me before the season started that the Chiefs would be 3-0 and the Giants would be 0-3 I would have said: “Why the hell are you telling me this? Can’t you see I’m trying to watch ‘Summer Rental’?” What to do instead: Buy your Halloween candy before all the good stuff is gone and you’re forced to hand out Butterfingers and Milky Ways and the neighborhood kids retaliate by absolutely laying your house to waste with toilet paper, shaving cream, and burning dog crap.
Jets @ Titans 4:05 pm: A game featuring two teams with not one decent fantasy football player between them. Even if you wanted to watch, you couldn’t. Don’t be upset, it’s a blessing. What’s that you say? What about Chris Johnson? Chris Johnson? Who’s he? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you mean that guy who was pretty good around four years ago? Yeah, I remember him. What to do instead: Work on your resume. Believe me, if you’re reading this you have wayyy too much free time on your hands. Go out and get a job. A real job.
Redskins @ Raiders 4:25 pm: If you haven’t been in a coma all day from all of the wretched 1 o’clock games, this one should do the trick. There’s nothing like Mike Shanahan seeking revenge against Al Davis’s moldering corpse to bring out some truly unwatchable pigskin action. The lunatics in “The Black Hole” won’t be looking for Redskins fans to stab because they’ll be too busy doing it to themselves. What to do instead: Make a nice dinner, have a drink or two, and settle in for Patriots @ Falcons at 8:30.
Enjoy the weekend, everyone!