After being benched during Game 1 of the AL Championship Series against the Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez was flirting with two female fans sitting behind the team’s dugout in an attempt to reach first base for the first time all month. Rodriguez handed a baseball to the team’s batboy, who then threw the ball to one of the women. On the ball, A-Rod asked for the woman’s number.
According to witnesses, she followed by writing “.125” on the ball, representing his batting average during the Division Series, and threw it back to the batboy. Rodriguez later called the number to no avail. But when teammate Derek Jeter was injured and taken out of the game, A-Rod figured that he had finally reached his limit. He then began attempting to communicate with the women telepathically, but did not receive an answer. He then attempted to figure out their numbers himself, but when he dialed, was discouraged to hear the voice of bullpen coach Mike Harkey on the other end.
Manager Joe Girardi finally figured that Rodriguez was not in a great mental state, and felt that the easiest way to end the pain was to send him up to hit for the first time of the night. He swung and missed at three pitches, marking the third time he had struck out all night. While on his way back into the dugout, he waved at the two girls behind the dugout. This attracted even greater jeering from the few Yankees fans left in the stands.
“You would think that a man of A-Rod’s stature would be successful in getting women. But really, it was almost as pathetic as seeing him try to pick up a hit,” said Vinny DeCarlo of Brooklyn, who was sitting near the scene.
Rodriguez has become notorious for his inability to perform during the post-season.
“He chokes more than that girl from ‘Shades of Grey,’” said high school graduate and deli owner Sid Guiliani of Long Island.
After further research, it was discovered that the two women Rodriguez was trying to fraternize with were Australian models. It may just be irony that their presence facilitated his batting average to go down under. For their next game, the Yankees have made efforts to clear all spectators from the seats behind the team’s dugout to curb Rodriguez’s continued efforts at finding someone to love him.
His love life has taken a hit ever since his appearance at the Super Bowl with Cameron Diaz, who was feeding him popcorn on nation television. Many New York women have not taken liking to the submissive precedent he set with the popcorn affair, so Rodriguez had hoped to score with the Australians instead.
And just as this hit the presses, it has been reported that Rodriguez failed yet another drug test. Instead of human growth hormones this time, the illegal substance is Cialis.