Surgery recommended for entire Yankees roster

6/26/13 in MLB   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

Blog Photo - Surgery recommended for entire Yankees roster
Teixeira and Youkilis chide Adams and Cano for their lack of dedication to the DL

The Yankees were dealt another blow today, this one possibly a KO, as word came down from team doctors that the entire roster was recommended for surgery.

"We were hoping for the best and fearing the worst," began GM Brian Cashman, "and there is no doubt that this is the worst possible news that could have come at this time." Cashman now faces the difficult task of replacing all 25 Yankees in time for tonight's game against the Rangers, 

This season has seen injuries (some compounded by setbacks in rehab) to Jeter, Granderson, Teixeria, Rodriguez, Teixeira again, Youkilis, Nuñez, Piñeda, Mårk Téixéirå, Cervelli, Youkilis once more, Curtis Granderson also once more, Alex Rodriguez's newborn Twitter account, and Mark Teixeira. In light of Father Time and Auntie Luck's brutal assault on the team, doctors think it prudent to act now before more terrible things happen to the ailing Bombers.

"We know it's unorthodox to perform surgery on an entire franchise," noted renowned renegade surgeon Dr. Spacemen, "but all we're proposing is one, decisive, all-over type surgery for every man woman and child in pinstripes.

For the players who are not currently injured, this news actually comes as a bit of relief.

"I am happy to no longer have to play baseball alone," stated Robinson Cano, the only remaining Yankee whose injury status isn't upgraded to 'doubtful' every time he has to tie his cleat. "I look forward to being with all my friends on the DL." 

In the meantime, the team will most likely have to look to the minors for reinforcements, though many formerly-eager youngsters seem apprehensive about what it would mean to put on the pinstripes.

"Trade me now, please," pleaded recently-called-up Zoilo Almonte. "I fear for the safety of myself and my family." 

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