The NFL F-U Power Rankings
#1 Bill Belichik: The Heisenberg of the middle finger. “He is the one that flips the bird.” Figuratively speaking of course. How do you limit the outside distractions when a key part of your offense has a heart of darkness and leaves an ever-increasing trail of blood (allegedly) on his way up the river like Col. Kurtz? You double down with a third string ‘media sharknado’ of a quarterback who never had a chance in hell of making the team in the first place. Then not really talk about any of it because ‘football’ or something? Hashtag, The Patriot effing Way. F-U aficionados slow clapped after that one. Bravo.
#2 Sean Payton: Apparently he spent his year in exile working-the-eff-out in a dimly lit basement like he was Clubber Lang in that montage from Rocky III. Dude has got his swole on and is itching to take a shot at all the league’s paper champions. Rob “F-U blitz” Ryan is on board now too. I’m not sure if it translates into wins, but the Saints freak finger will fly high this year. Blee’ Dat.
#3 God’s Plan: Specifically, as it relates to every player who didn’t make a 53-man roster and tweeted about it. Sadly none of them got to partake in Jehovah’s Week 1 install. It’s only a matter of time before the high brow, sports blogarazzi add ‘predestiny’ to the list of things they love to deconstruct like momentum, being clutch and all other things intangible. Cheers Nate Silver, (or maybe Bill Barnwell?) we look forward to it.
#4 Dan Snyder: He will probably go full F-U, even though you never want to do that, when he begrudgingly changes his team’s name to the even more wildly inappropriate Washington Rape, then claim in his defense that “THEY ASKED FOR IT!” (All caps, by the way.) There’s also a good chance he adds a ‘parking space license fee’ on top of the price of parking at FED EX Field. Danny boy is the pre-season favorite to hold the F-U belt once it’s all said and done.
#5 (TIE) Jim Harbaugh & Pete Caroll: The raging Yin to the nonchalant Yang in the Zen of F-U. The eternal, equal and opposite forces in Sun Tzu ‘Art of War.’ Tzu was probably referring to their past, spiritual incarnations when he wrote, “If you know yourself and you know your enemy, you need not fear the outcome of 100 battles.” These guys know each other. Well. And don’t give one eff about old books. The 49ers and Seahawks are odds on favorites to get into a huge pre-game brouhaha in one of their two meetings this year. Get your effing popcorn ready.
#6 Roger Goodell: He settled the concussion lawsuit by throwing a relatively big wad of cash at the plaintiffs the same way Sonny Corleone did to the photographer after he smashed his camera in a million pieces. Voir dire avoided MF’ers. Goodie is also going to shove new rules and PR campaigns down everybody’s throats in the name of safety only to go to an 18 game schedule in a few years. Why? Because eff you. That’s why.
#7 Rex Ryan: Already embattled by the third game of the pre-season, he defiantly gave a rambling, post game presser with his back to the media at times with all the disdain that Miles Davis had for his audience. This is how you go down with the ship people. They should play ‘Taps’ before every home game instead of the national anthem. Obviously, this probably ends poorly. Something along the lines of Sexy Rexy setting a small fire in the Mara’s private parking lot at Met Life Stadium followed by an all night twitter barrage about how ugly Drake is. The upside? He’ll be a tremendous addition to one of the “air quotes” FUN ‘10 person round table’ shows on FOX’s Best Damn Sports Network. So he’s got that going for him.
Honorable Mention: Chip Kelly having Ron Mexico run his Speedy Gonzalez offense. (Green 88, green 88. Omaha, Omaha… ¡Ándele! ¡Ándele! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! …Settttttt …HUT!) Win or lose, ol’ timey pundits will harrumph this ‘gimmick’ and exclaim “C’mon Man!” to the delight of absolutely no one every Monday night. Good times… good times.
Also receiving Non-NFL related F-U votes: Kendrick Lamar, Time-Warner Cable, Miley Cyrus, A-Rod, Whitlock’s Black Grantland and Johnny “Middle Finger” Manziel.
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
Until that day.