The greatest names in sports

5/17/13 in General Sports   |   droth   |   127 respect

There are many reasons why we love sports: the competition and the camaraderie are pretty good, but we can't forget the names.  Great sports names come in a variety of categories.  There are the sport-appropriate names, the bathroom humor names, and then the names that are just plain weird.  Here's my pick for the top 10 names in all three of these categories (and I apologize in advance for some bad but necessary jokes).

There are certain people that, because of their names, were destined to play a certain sport.  

1.  Anna Smashnova - Russian born tennis player.
Aug 9, 2012; London, United Kingdom; Usain Bolt (JAM) poses with the gold medal during the mens 200m medal ceremony at the London 2012 Olympic Games at Olympic Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports2.  Usain Bolt - Sprinter and possible future soccer star, if he gets his way.  Brother of fictional super sprinter Insane Bolt.
3.  Luc Longley - 7'2" basketball player from Australia.
4.  Quentin Jammer - NFL Cornerback who, according to his scouting report, is at his best jamming opposing WRs.
5.  Ernie Hole - Let's go way back on this one.  He was an offensive lineman in 1920 and 1921.
6.  Mack Strong - NFL Fullback.  Made his name smashing into defenders to open holes for Shaun Alexander.
7.  Mike Stonebreaker - Former Notre Dame Linebacker.  He played one season with the Chicago Bears in 1991. 
8.  Tim Duncan - The Big Fundamental wouldn't have have made the list if he had stuck with swimming.  He clearly made the right choice.  Now that he's gotten older, he should change his name to Tim Layin.
9.  Rollie Fingers - With that mustache, this retired relief pitcher could be on a few top 10 lists.  But for a guy who utilizes various finger positioning to get his job done, I couldn't leave him off of this one.
10  Brandon Belt - First baseman for the SF Giants.  Announcers never miss an opportunity to point out that he "really belted that one".

This next category, the "locker room humor" names, if you will, is absolutely loaded.  There's plenty more where these came from.  It turns out that a lot of athletes' names can somehow be turned into penis-related humor.  Who knew?  

Note: if you are easily offended, please skip this section.

1.  Lucious Pusey - former football player at Eastern Illinois University
2.  HaHa Clinton-Dix - University of Alabama defensive back.  His real name is Ha'Sean but, naturally, he goes by HaHa.  He was a five star recruit and is expected to be an early NFL pick in one of the next two drafts.  And what else could you want in a name, he's got the ridiculous first name and the potentially inappropriate last name. 
3.  Ivana Mandic - played hoops at the University of Carolina at Charlotte.  Isn't she an Austin Powers character?
4.  Harry Colon - former NFL Defensive back, played in the 90's.  
5.  Rusty Kuntz - former baseball player, now serves as the Royal's first base coach.
6.  DeWanna Bonner - forward for the Phoenix Mercury of the WNBA.  And no thanks, I'm good.
7.  Jim Bob Cooter - played QB at Tenessee (with a name like Jim Bob, Tennessee was a perfect fit)
8.  Jack Glasscock - played shortstop from 1879-1895 and was one of the best during the bare-handed era.  Even if he wasn't wearing a glove, for his sake I hope he was wearing a cup.
9.  Kyle Sackrider - former Tight End at Michigan State.  If he was a Defensive End he could have been included in the previous category, but alas, instead I made a naughty joke out of his name.
10.  Dick Pole - former MLB pitcher and pitching coach with a no-nonsense name.
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9/30/14   |   maoyufeng126

It seems to be inspired by "Between Two Ferns," the hilarious show starring Zach Galifianakis.

4/14/14   |   WadeColson   |   1 respect

Not surprised Usain Bolt is on this list :P

5/18/13   |   Scott   |   54636 respect

What, no Metta World Peace?

5/18/13   |   Jess   |   35101 respect

Pat wrote:
It's a little disappointing that you omitted the recently dearly departed NASCAR legend Dick Trickle.

Until I joined FanIQ, I honestly thought that was just a funny parody name.

5/18/13   |   Pat   |   5234 respect

It's a little disappointing that you omitted the recently dearly departed NASCAR legend Dick Trickle.