The greatest names in sports

5/17/13 in General Sports   |   droth   |   127 respect

There are many reasons why we love sports: the competition and the camaraderie are pretty good, but we can't forget the names.  Great sports names come in a variety of categories.  There are the sport-appropriate names, the bathroom humor names, and then the names that are just plain weird.  Here's my pick for the top 10 names in all three of these categories (and I apologize in advance for some bad but necessary jokes).

There are certain people that, because of their names, were destined to play a certain sport.  

1.  Anna Smashnova - Russian born tennis player.
Aug 9, 2012; London, United Kingdom; Usain Bolt (JAM) poses with the gold medal during the mens 200m medal ceremony at the London 2012 Olympic Games at Olympic Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports2.  Usain Bolt - Sprinter and possible future soccer star, if he gets his way.  Brother of fictional super sprinter Insane Bolt.
3.  Luc Longley - 7'2" basketball player from Australia.
4.  Quentin Jammer - NFL Cornerback who, according to his scouting report, is at his best jamming opposing WRs.
5.  Ernie Hole - Let's go way back on this one.  He was an offensive lineman in 1920 and 1921.
6.  Mack Strong - NFL Fullback.  Made his name smashing into defenders to open holes for Shaun Alexander.
7.  Mike Stonebreaker - Former Notre Dame Linebacker.  He played one season with the Chicago Bears in 1991. 
8.  Tim Duncan - The Big Fundamental wouldn't have have made the list if he had stuck with swimming.  He clearly made the right choice.  Now that he's gotten older, he should change his name to Tim Layin.
9.  Rollie Fingers - With that mustache, this retired relief pitcher could be on a few top 10 lists.  But for a guy who utilizes various finger positioning to get his job done, I couldn't leave him off of this one.
10  Brandon Belt - First baseman for the SF Giants.  Announcers never miss an opportunity to point out that he "really belted that one".

This next category, the "locker room humor" names, if you will, is absolutely loaded.  There's plenty more where these came from.  It turns out that a lot of athletes' names can somehow be turned into penis-related humor.  Who knew?  

Note: if you are easily offended, please skip this section.

1.  Lucious Pusey - former football player at Eastern Illinois University
2.  HaHa Clinton-Dix - University of Alabama defensive back.  His real name is Ha'Sean but, naturally, he goes by HaHa.  He was a five star recruit and is expected to be an early NFL pick in one of the next two drafts.  And what else could you want in a name, he's got the ridiculous first name and the potentially inappropriate last name. 
3.  Ivana Mandic - played hoops at the University of Carolina at Charlotte.  Isn't she an Austin Powers character?
4.  Harry Colon - former NFL Defensive back, played in the 90's.  
5.  Rusty Kuntz - former baseball player, now serves as the Royal's first base coach.
6.  DeWanna Bonner - forward for the Phoenix Mercury of the WNBA.  And no thanks, I'm good.
7.  Jim Bob Cooter - played QB at Tenessee (with a name like Jim Bob, Tennessee was a perfect fit)
8.  Jack Glasscock - played shortstop from 1879-1895 and was one of the best during the bare-handed era.  Even if he wasn't wearing a glove, for his sake I hope he was wearing a cup.
9.  Kyle Sackrider - former Tight End at Michigan State.  If he was a Defensive End he could have been included in the previous category, but alas, instead I made a naughty joke out of his name.
10.  Dick Pole - former MLB pitcher and pitching coach with a no-nonsense name.

And finally, there are the names that are just silly.  Maybe they're from somewhere else and our simple American minds can't appreciate the subtleties of other languages and cultures, or maybe some of these athletes' parents just wanted their child to be unique.  Either way, it makes for some good listing.

1.  God'sgift Achiuwa - He's a Nigerian-born basketball player who is currently a senior at St. Johns.  And that's his real name and the same spelling used on the St. John's athletic website, apostrophe and all.  
2.  McWisdom Badejo - plays Center for Florida A&M university
3.  Uranius Johnson - played WR at Marshall in the mid 2000's
4.  Picabo Street - Olympic skier.  Here's one of my favorite lame jokes: Did you hear about that Olympic skier that donated a new wing to the local hospital?  They're going to call it the Picabo I.C.U.
5.  Peerless Price - played WR for the Bills, Falcons, and Cowboys.  He was a good player, but certainly not peerless, despite what his parents may believe.  
6.  God Shammgod - played guard at Providence.  He was drafted by the Washington Wizards in 1997 and played one year in the NBA.
7.  Coco Crisp - plays center field for the Oakland A's.  He's been around long enough and he's a Apr 25, 2013; Oakland, CA, USA; Oakland Athletics center fielder Coco Crisp (4) looks on during the game against the Baltimore Orioles at O.Co Coliseum. The Baltimore Orioles defeated the Oakland Athletics 10-2. Mandatory Credit: Ed Szczepanski-USA TODAY Sportsgood enough player that his name doesn't even seem that weird anymore.  But then you remember that, in fact, it's a ridiculous name and he has a ridiculous afro.
8.  Bak Bak - Originally from Sudan. He played forward for the Cal men's basketball team.
9.  JaDaveon Clowney - defensive end for South Carolina and likely top pick in next year's NFL draft.  Here's another example of how we get used to hearing even the weirdest names and eventually they don't seem weird anymore.  That is, until your friend that doesn't know anything about sports asks you who that guy on the screen is and you say his name out loud.  
10.  Ruben Boumtje Boumtje - Orginially from Cameroon.  Played center at Georgetown and was drafted in the second round by Portland.  He played sparingly in the NBA and then played in Europe before retiring in 2011.
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4/14/14   |   WadeColson   |   1 respect

Not surprised Usain Bolt is on this list :P

5/18/13   |   Scott   |   53586 respect

What, no Metta World Peace?

5/18/13   |   Jess   |   34816 respect

Pat wrote:
It's a little disappointing that you omitted the recently dearly departed NASCAR legend Dick Trickle.

Until I joined FanIQ, I honestly thought that was just a funny parody name.

5/18/13   |   Pat   |   5232 respect

It's a little disappointing that you omitted the recently dearly departed NASCAR legend Dick Trickle.