This is the NFL?: Loony Lines, Stupefying Stats, and Quarterbacks Gone Wild
As we enter Week 6, the National Football League has pretty much gone off the reservation and taken on some wildly unpredictable Transformer-like life of its own. Winless Giants, winless Steelers, space aliens abducting the Jaguars and replacing them with cheap Radio Shack-made robots…. I know it’s October, but it’s a little early for Halloween, dontcha think? Here’s just a small sampling of the strange goings on.
Bronco Bucks. As has already been reported on this site, Denver heads into this weekend’s game against Jacksonville as the largest favorite in NFL history, giving away 28 points to the lowly Jaguars. What wasn’t widely reported was that the Broncos originally opened as a 101.5-point favorite until some degenerate drug dealers from the Florida Panhandle went nuts and bet the line down to 68. Finally, Jags billionaire owner Shad Khan stepped in and wagered several million dollars worth of change he had lying around his house to bring the spread down to where it now stands. If Jacksonville does cover, there should be some wild partying in North Florida come Sunday night.
Three QB Monty. In the league's current state it’s almost impossible to know which quarterback will be starting for which team on any given Sunday. The Vikings just signed Josh Freeman (who was cut by the Bucs) to compete for a job that was once Christian Ponder’s and still may be Christian Ponder’s but is now being held by Matt Cassel. Freeman, meanwhile is getting $3 million from the Vikes and is still owed in excess of $6 million by the Bucs. Not bad for a guy who didn’t have a job. (deep breath) Oakland gave up a fifth round draft pick and paid Matt Flynn $6 million to be their starting QB. Then he was beat out by Terrelle Pryor in camp. Then Pryor got hurt and Flynn played a game and played awful. Now Pryor is back and Flynn has been released, free to go home, count his money, and be happy that he doesn’t have to live the rest of his life with replacement knees or Post Concussion Syndrome or working next to Terry Bradshaw. In Philly it was Vick and now it’s Foles. Cleveland went Weeden-Hoyer-Weeden. Jeff Tuel and Ryan Fitzpatrick are also starting, and everyone in Texas is calling for Matt Schaub’s head. Again, we're only five weeks in.
Tony and Chris’ Big Fat Weekend. Speaking of Texas, was it a dream or did Tony Romo really light up the Broncos for more than 500 passing yards? Yeah, he threw his usual late-game pick* (*™Brett Favre), but 500 yards? I thought the Broncos were supposed to be the best team in football? The other huge news of the weekend is that Titans’ running back Chris Johnson finally found his way to the end zone. He had to stop to ask directions several times, but he still found it. Never mind that he only had 17 yards rushing. It’s the 49-yard TD catch that counts. Capeesh? Oh, both the Cowboys and Titans ended up losing.
Gonzo Gonzo Againzo? Now that the Falcons have officially crapped the bed, lost to the Jets, and lost their best player (Julio Jones) in the process, some folks have raised the question as to whether Tony Gonzalez will get traded back to his former team, the Kansas City Chiefs. I guess the feeling is, “Hey, we begged him out of retirement and now we stink, so why don’t we send him back to the Chiefs who are now 5-0 under Andy Reid?” And this may seem like a generous sentiment, but it’s really just flat out mean. Give the poor guy a break already. He finally won a playoff game last year. He’s not winning a Super Bowl this year or the year after that with either Atlanta or KC. At this point who wants to pack and start all over?
Nike Makes Bold Pro Bowl Uniform Changes. What? There’s still a Pro Bowl??? I don't know what to believe anymore. That’s it, I’m outta here.