Baltimore: After trading Erik Bedard, the Orioles are now guaranteed to lose five out of every five games instead of four out of every five games.
Boston: With a slew of consecutive postseason appearances and two championships in four years, the Red Sox are starting to look more like the Yankees than the Yankees themselves. Their percentage of drunken fans revel in this; the other 5% see this as troubling and worrisome.
New York: As their ability to win decreases, the chutzpah of the Yankees' front office rises proportionally. Plus: Alex Rodriguez continues in his quest to amass enough money to buy his own country.
Tampa Bay: Some say this is the year the
Devil Rays break .500. Their biggest offseason acquisition was Cliff Floyd. Apparently, all that separated them between a 66-96 season and a winning season was an aging, gimpy, backup outfielder.
Toronto: Mathematically guaranteed to finish ahead of Baltimore because they held on to Roy Halladay.
Chicago: The biggest reason to spend time in the Cell this year remains not the athletic performances but the entertainment value, which also goes by the name of Ozzie Guillen.
Cleveland: If Jorge Julio wins a roster spot, expect their team ERA and blown-save rate to grow by a factor of 12.
Detroit: Pissed that the Mets stole their Biggest Blockbuster Trade of the Offseason distinction, and thus motivated to excel. Except for Miguel Cabrera, who is motivated by nothing but food.
Kansas City: Still the same old Royals, and will continue to be the same old Royals until George Brett reincarnates as the next fiery young player to lead them back from the Wilderness to the Promised Land.
Minnesota: Relying on Francisco Liriano to be the next Johan Santana and lead them back to contention, forgetting that they couldn't contend even with Santana last year.
Los Angeles/Anaheim/Whatever: Paid Torii Hunter $90 million to play in an outfield that already contains Vladimir Guerrero, Gary Matthews, Jr. and Garret Anderson, thus making Hunter the highest-paid reserve in baseball history.
Oakland: In an effort to prevent a recurrence of last year's losing record (the Athletics' first since 1998), Billy Beane has been spotted applying Teflon to his wallet.
Seattle: Were in the Wild Card race for about a week last year. If they're planning to do so again, they should warn their fans to take care of their pacemakers.
Texas: One day, the Rangers will have good pitching. And one day, the Sun will go out.
Next: The NL is not spared.