Atlanta: Facing an identity crisis since there's a fiercely heated rivalry in the division and they're not a part of it.
Florida: Feel free to make your own fish joke here. My favorite is "This year's Fish will be flounder-ing."
New York: Hired Darryl Strawberry as a special instructor, presumably to teach David Wright and Jose Reyes how to use drugs, evade taxes and beat wives.
Philadelphia: Convinced that the season opener against the Mets is some sort of sick joke perpetrated by the MLB schedulers. Accordingly, Jimmy Rollins's Spring Training regimen includes self-defense lessons.
Washington: Las Vegas bookies are taking bets that this year Elijah Dukes will be the first MLB player to be a homicide victim. The odds currently stand at 3:2.
Chicago: Ryan Dempster has gone on record saying that this is the year that the Cubs will finally break their Curse and go to the World Series (and win, too). In other news, use of non-performance-enhancing drugs is on the upswing in the Cubs' clubhouse.
Cincinnati: Jay Bruce has been heralded as the #1 best prospect in all of baseball. Now all they need are 24 other players and they might have a shot.
Houston: Minutes after trading for Miguel Tejada, his name showed up in the Mitchell Report. Calls placed to the Orioles were met with the recorded message "SUCKAHS!"
Milwaukee: Placed Prince Fielder on a diet when balls began getting caught in the pull of his gravitational field.
Pittsburgh: Their fans are clamoring for wins; the Pirates, like some other pirates, are disinclined to acquiesce to their requests.
St. Louis: Reports say their best starter may be Adam Wainwright. Not to knock converted closers (or, rather, "closer"—Derek Lowe), but when your best starter is one, you need help. Fast.
Arizona: In the past, Billy Beane has shown a knack for getting rid of good pitchers right before their expiration dates. If I were a Diamondbacks fan, I'd start worrying about Dan Haren right about now.
Colorado: The Whitest Ballplayers U'Know look to extend their 10-game unbeaten streak vs. National League teams. (Fearless prediction: they won't.)
Los Angeles: Brought in Joe Torre for his eight years of experience at not winning the World Series and .471 record while managing teams that do not have the highest payroll in baseball.
San Diego: The biggest question about the Padres remains the bullpen: namely, why does Cla Meredith have that missing "Y" in his name? Did he lend it to teammate Clay Hensley? Have it surgically removed? WHAT??
San Francisco: Had a plan to inject their players with Barry Bonds's DNA. Plan was cancelled after test subjects became bloated, bald, tired old men with paranoia and anger management issues, and--most crucially--lacking the ability to hit a baseball beyond the infield.