The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
In the bottom of the 1st in Game 1 of the World Series, Pablo Sandoval, hitting in the three-spot indicative of being a team's most feared hitter, looked up to see himself down two strikes and no balls against the AL's best pitcher, Justin Verlander. Verlander, delighted at the sight of the chubby, smiling man in the batters box they call Kung Fu Panda in San Fran, decided to throw him a third straight strike, and he clubbed it over four-hundred feet for a home run.
After his third at bat, Kung Fu Panda had three home runs. He ended the day four for four, adding a single to his awesome display of power. It wasn't until hours after the game that the Detroit Tigers had fully realized what had just happened.
"Wait, that's their best hitter?" said Verlander, still in shock of how a National League lineup just treated him and his Cy Young. "If he's their best hitter, then howcome all I wanted to do was him a hug?" he inquired quite inquisitively.
This sentiment is not entirely out of left field. While the American League also employs its fair share of huggable sluggers such as David Ortiz and Detroit's own Prince Fielder, these Sluggables™ are clearly labeled with enormous contracts. Sandoval will make as much in the next three years as Big Papi did in 2012 alone, while Fielder's contract will make him rich enough to buy the moon by the year 2016.
"I mean, I know they're desperate for hitters over there in the NL, but who would have thought the team mascot would hit like that?" continued Justin Verlander, still oblivious to the undeniable fact that Pablo Sandoval is a real Major League hitter. "I should like to see what he'd do with my 96 mile per hour fastball!" he finished, exhibiting a disconcerting degree of amnesia.
With Game 2 looming tonight and the Tigers at risk of going down two games to none, the team's pitching staff faces the task of not just figuring out how to pitch to this lineup, but how to come to terms with the fact that this, in fact, a Major League lineup.
"I'm not buying it," said Doug Fister, fresh off striking out every hitter who has ever donned a Yankees uniform. "Wait'll they get a load of my fastball!" he added, pounding his glove in reckless anticipation.