You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!
Today we're here to talk about athlete defense strategies. As an athlete, you may find yourself in the public eye, and from time to time, that may include the police blotter. But don't worry, my new self-help tape will assist in getting you through those tough situations.
Here's a small sample of our tried and true strategies, guaranteed to help you out of any mess you're in:
- The "They're trying to extort me claim to hide that you bought transvestite prostitutes defense".
- The "Vague admittance of mistakes, yet complete denial of any wrongdoing defense".
- The "I thought my teammate was giving me a B-12 shot and not steroids, although I can't answer why I had to inject B-12 instead of taking a pill defense".
- The "I did nothing wrong, claim it was police brutality to swerve the attention from my own stupidity angle".
- The "I didn't take steroids, but should have a emerging flax seed oil conglomerate strategy".
- The "I don't know the guy I brought in with my posse after he shoots up the joint defense".
And if that doesn't convince you, here are some sworn testimonies...err, testimonials from some successful users of this program:
- "After using Troy's program, I was able to convince Congress that I didn't knowingly lie to them during the Congressional Steroid Hearings. I was ridiculed, but at least I didn't have to face time in prison for perjury." - Rafael Palmeiro
- "Sure I face a possible indictment on federal perjury charges and I've likely lost all chances of reaching the Hall Of Fame, but I was able to make amends with my family, and that seems right." - Roger Clemens
- "With Troy's program, I've assured that the only thing that will keep me out of the Hall of Fame is getting my big head through the door." - Barry Bonds
- "Although I didn't use his program, Troy's methods might have served me better than the "Feed My Kids Strategy" that backfired on me before. Next time, I'm going to Troy McClure
So next time a problem comes your way, and you have a public image to clean up; don't trust those hihg-priced and incompetent attorneys, try my program because...
"What Could Be Worse?!"
This has been a paid advertisement from the Troy McClure Self-Help Guru, Inc. All claims and commentary are the opinions of Mr. McClure and cannot be held against the broadcasting station.
Sources (aside from those linked above):
Troy McClure Quotes, thesimpsonsquotes.com
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