Scientists Report Sports Fans Living Longer, Stadiums Not
In what is becoming a disturbing trend, top researchers at some undisclosed college that is really, really hard to get into have released a report stating that flesh-and-blood sports fans are now inexplicably outliving the brick-and-mortar stadiums and arenas where they root on their favorite teams. Though there are certain exceptions in places such as Buffalo and Cleveland, where sports fans die a little bit each and every day, for the most part the humans outlasting athletics buildings trajectory continues. The latest sickly sports structure death watch is in Atlanta.
It may be hard to believe but Turner Field, the beloved home of the perennial postseason underachieving Atlanta Braves, is set to be demolished after the Bravos pack it up and move to a new suburban stadium in 2017. “The Ted,” nicknamed after eccentric billionaire yacht-racing drunk Ted Turner, opened in 1996 will just be a little past its 21st birthday (ironically, the legal drinking age) when it has its date with the wrecking ball, or perhaps a whole mess of explosives. In its place will be built “an expansive middle class development” which can mean anything from some crappy homes to a mall to an enormous strip club.
All of this, of course, raises a few questions. First, where is Cobb County Georgia and why on Earth are the good people of Cobb putting up $450 million to lure the Braves there? Second, why do developers need to wait for the Braves to leave before they start taking apart Turner Field? This is a team that can’t sell out World Series games, fer crissakes! Just start taking seats out starting next year and keep going until there are only a handful of fans left at the end of 2016. Finally, will the move to from Atlanta to Cobb facilitate a more politically correct team name change for the Braves? Whatever the answers to these questions, Turner Field is set for the Tomahawk Chopping Block come 2017.