The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
Disappointed, naturally, by finding they are unable to prove intent on the Suh to Schaub groin-kick, the NFL has asked that Suh cooperate and kick the Texans' QB in the balls one more hilarious time, for the record.
The play in question occured last Thursday when Suh, seething with self-interest in the spirit of Thanksgiving, charged at the enemy with reckless and violent abandon and, after being blocked to the ground, stuck his leg out, striking Matt Schaub in the groin.
The NFL's unorthodox request that Suh repeat the offense in a less debatable, preferrably televised manner reflects their desire to not only be in a position to reprimand linebacker voted by his peers as "the dirtiest player in the game," but also to build a new NFL Thanksgiving tradition out of the incident.
Last Thanksgiving Suh stomped on an opposing player, a malicious and reprehensible display of malice and reprehensibility. More importantly, his intent could not have been clearer. This year, however, with his face to the ground and his legs flying through the air, league officials are having trouble believing that such a large, violent man could pull off a kick with the precision required to hit Schaub where it matters.
"Tradition is tradition," said one NFL spokesperson on the matter, "and if we're going to continue to suspend Ndamakong Suh we will need to see him line up like he wants it, run straight towards Matt Schaub hurling racial epithets, and unleash a kick of epic proportions into his groin."
Suh, who is trying desperately to clean up his image around the league, agreed to the NFL's terms 'in the spirit of what is right.' Schaub has not been asked to comment nor do we need his permission.