But I'm going to step up and help educate you readers - well, not really about the game of soccer, but about the celebrations of its players. Luckily FIFA doesn't have people like Roger Goodell running things, so players can do some pretty crazy things on the pitch.
If there was ever a reason to watch 90 minutes of nothing for one goal, it'd be one of these following celebrations.
So here we go.
- Archie Thompson of Melbourne Victory celebrates by running to the corner flag, karate punching and kicking it followed by a gun shooting action.
- Julius Aghahowa of Wigan Athletic sometimes celebrates by doing backflips. He is known for doing about seven at a time.
- Some players, including Manchester United's Patrice Eva, will congratulate a teammate on scoring by kneeling down and pretending to shine their shoe.
- Clint Dempsey, lately of the New England Revolution of MLS and now of Fulham, will occasionally do the "Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It" dance, from the eponymous video by Dem Franchize Boys.
- Following the death of professional wrestler Eddie Guerrero in 2005, Middlesbrough's James Morrison emulated his signature chest-slapping and shoulder-shaking taunt, as well as John Cena's "You can't see me" hand gesture.
- Craig Bellamy, when he was with Liverpool, celebrated a goal against Barcelona by simulating a golf swing, due to media speculation into a fight between him and teammate, John Arne Riise, at a karaoke night near their training ground in Portugal, where he allegedly tried to hit Riise with a golf club. Classy guy that Bellamy.
- Bas Savage of Brighton & Hove Albion celebrates by performing either the standard moonwalk, the moonwalk 360 or the side glide.
- Alberto Gilardino of A.C. Milan pretends to play a violin on one knee. He's also famous for the worst flop in soccer history.
- In 2006, Peter Crouch's robot goal celebration became a fad across England.
- Brazilian midfielder Ronaldinho usually exhibits some samba dancing after scoring a goal.
- Atletico's Luis Garcia celebrates after every goal he scores by sucking his thumb as a sign of love for Joel, his first son.
Personally, I think we need more celebrations like these in the NFL, the NBA, and MLB.
It would have been awful sweet to have seen Darryl Strawberry snort some baseline chalk after hitting a home run.