Still Looking For Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas? Don't Look Here. Seriously.
#12: ESPN Sportscaster Microphone
We showed you this about a month ago, and it's as bad of an idea now as it was back then. Want to sound like an idiot? One of the first steps is to put an ESPN microphone in your hand. It worked wonders for Chris Berman (NSFW video - Boomer's a potty mouth), Emmitt Smith, Skip Bayless, Stuart Scott (Booyah!) and many others.
#11: Baltimore Orioles Door Knocker
If one of your friends is having a problem with too many high quality free agents knocking their door down, here's the answer. Put this Baltimore Orioles door knocker on there, and they won't have anyone knocking ever again.
#10: Jason Witten Pickle Juice
If Jason Witten told you to jump off a cliff, would you? Of course not. You'd tell Jason Witten to go screw himself. Well, that's probably the same thing you should say when he tells you to buy his pickle juice, which also looks a lot like piss. Granted you're not really likely to get this as a Christmas gift, but still. A dill flavored sports drink? Seriously? Go screw yourself, Jason Witten.
#9: Animal Golf Club Covers
In case you didn't know, the hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards. And if you ever see anyone with these golf club head covers, watch out. Their drives probably fly backwards as well. The only saving grace with these things is that you can club a baby seal without going to jail. Otherwise, they're about as useless as it gets.
#8: Tony Stewart Santa Hat
In a some ways, Tony Stewart is a lot like Santa Claus. He's fat. And... well, he's fat. Nothing screams "white trash" like a great big orange and black Tony Stewart Santa hat. Want to get on someone's "naughty" list in a hurry? Hand them one of these. If nothing else, you might be able to save a little money on the home heating bill with the coal that they give you in return.
#7: An Autographed Michael Vick Jersey
#7 indeed. The craziest part about this is that someone actually bought this about a week ago for $112.50. Who was this for? Hopefully they bought it for themselves. I'd hate to be around the tree on Christmas morning when someone opened up their present and found THIS in there. He's only one of the most hated athletes in the country right now. How awkward would that be? Very.
#6: Anything Related To The Detroit Lions
They're about to go 0-16, so anything with a Lions logo on it would make a terrible gift. But here are a few that would be especially awful to find underneath the tree:
#6a: The Lions Infant Cheerleader Jumper
Do you hate your daughter? Want them to grow up to be the biggest loser everywhere she goes? Get her one of these little outfits, and you'll immediately notice all the little boys and girls moving further and further away from your child, so as to avoid the stench of losing. No, that's no diaper. That's a winless season that you smell.
#6b: Lions Necktie
This tie isn't all bad. Sure, it's ugly. Yeah, it's a Detroit Lions tie, and they're the worst team ever, in the history of sports. But the one good thing about this tie is that it comes with instructions for an alternate way to wear it after next Sunday when they complete the first 0-16 season in NFL history.
#6c: Matt Millen Autographed Football
This is an officially licensed NFL football, with Matt Millen's autograph. He wrote "Best Wishes" on it. Apparently, "Best Wishes" = "Worst Season Ever". This gift could actually be considered an investment. It sold for $45.99, but if you can find a way to get that filthy signature off of it, it actually could be worth almost twice as much.
#5: Baseball Cuffs
These baseball cuffs definitely make a statement. That statement is: "I'm a huge douche, and I want the world to know it". By giving these to someone, you can make a statement, too. What kind of statement you ask? Simple: "I hate you, and I want you to look as stupid as humanly possible, so I bought you these baseball cuffs, hoping that you would somehow wear them in public, not realizing how ridiculous you look." At least that's the basic idea.
#4: Sports Team Ceiling Fan
If one of these ceiling fans would actually match the decor in someone's house, then they deserve them. If these fans would somehow fit in someone's house without inducing nausea to everyone who walked through the door, then more power to them. But if you are friends with someone who would put these in their house, or would even consider it, then you might want to find yourself some new friends.
#3: Bowling Ball Flash Drive
Do you know someone who has trouble keeping track of those tiny memory sticks? Know someone who loses thumb drives like it's going out of style? Well, this bowling ball flash drive definitely isn't the answer. If it's a relatively big flash drive (8 GB), and a light bowling ball, we're still talking about 1 pound per gigabyte. In an age where efficiency is everything, this is the exact opposite of what anyone would want. Try sticking this in your desktop computer, and watch the ball crash to the ground, with the flash drive breaking off in the computer, and ripping apart your CPU in the process. This is about 10 disasters waiting to happen. Don't even think about getting it near a laptop.
#2: Deluxe Mr. Quarterback Passing Machine
What do you get the kid who's a huge football fan? The Deluxe Mr. Quarterback Passing Machine? Ummm... no. How about some friends to throw the ball with, or a dad that will play catch with him? That might work, instead. Sure, this lame machine tosses a perfect spiral every time, and can range from 5 to 30 yards, but not even Joe Montana threw a perfect spiral every time, and even Chad Pennington's baby arm can throw more than 30 yards. Their website claims that you can "Practice running catch and pass patterns with this football-passing machine". I suppose, but only if you like practicing the same pattern over and over again, catching the ball in the same spot every time, until you went and adjusted the "quarterback" again.
#1: Inflatable Defender; Ben Wallace Basketball Training Aid
Want your kid to get some real hoops experience against a 4-time NBA defensive player of the year? Then you better hope he makes it to the NBA, or gets rich and attends one of those crazy fantasy camps, because this inflatable Ben Wallace doll is, well, just that: an inflatable Ben Wallace doll. It's not going to send it into the 5th row whenever your kid brings that weak stuff into his house, like the real Ben Wallace would. This Ben Wallace is just going to sit there with that same stupid stare, as your kid learns how to shoot through the space between his head and his arm, or learns how to bounce it off his head and into the basket a la Jose Canseco, or something like that.
Inflate this bad boy, and you still only have a Ben Wallace doll. No more, no less.
Now that you know what NOT to buy your friends and family for Christmas, go out and get your last minute gifts for them. Just make sure your gifts better than these ones.