Worst Sports Christmas Presents Ever
General Sports

Still Looking For Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas? Don't Look Here. Seriously.

12/23/08 in General Sports   |   Pat   |   5235 respect

Every year, Christmas is a tough time for a lot of people. What do you get the sports fan who has everything? You have to find something original and different, but a lot of times "original and different" is code for "crappy and unwanted". In order to help you narrow things down a bit, here are 12 gift ideas you should definitely stay away from. And if you read this and say "I want that!", then you may want to seek professional help.

#12: ESPN Sportscaster Microphone



We showed you this about a month ago, and it's as bad of an idea now as it was back then. Want to sound like an idiot? One of the first steps is to put an ESPN microphone in your hand. It worked wonders for Chris Berman (NSFW video - Boomer's a potty mouth), Emmitt Smith, Skip Bayless, Stuart Scott (Booyah!) and many others.


#11: Baltimore Orioles Door Knocker


If one of your friends is having a problem with too many high quality free agents knocking their door down, here's the answer. Put this Baltimore Orioles door knocker on there, and they won't have anyone knocking ever again.


#10: Jason Witten Pickle Juice


If Jason Witten told you to jump off a cliff, would you? Of course not. You'd tell Jason Witten to go screw himself. Well, that's probably the same thing you should say when he tells you to buy his pickle juice, which also looks a lot like piss. Granted you're not really likely to get this as a Christmas gift, but still. A dill flavored sports drink? Seriously? Go screw yourself, Jason Witten.


#9: Animal Golf Club Covers


In case you didn't know, the hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards. And if you ever see anyone with these golf club head covers, watch out. Their drives probably fly backwards as well. The only saving grace with these things is that you can club a baby seal without going to jail. Otherwise, they're about as useless as it gets.


#8: Tony Stewart Santa Hat


In a some ways, Tony Stewart is a lot like Santa Claus. He's fat. And... well, he's fat. Nothing screams "white trash" like a great big orange and black Tony Stewart Santa hat. Want to get on someone's "naughty" list in a hurry? Hand them one of these. If nothing else, you might be able to save a little money on the home heating bill with the coal that they give you in return.


#7: An Autographed Michael Vick Jersey



#7 indeed. The craziest part about this is that someone actually bought this about a week ago for $112.50. Who was this for? Hopefully they bought it for themselves. I'd hate to be around the tree on Christmas morning when someone opened up their present and found THIS in there. He's only one of the most hated athletes in the country right now. How awkward would that be? Very.


#6: Anything Related To The Detroit Lions

They're about to go 0-16, so anything with a Lions logo on it would make a terrible gift. But here are a few that would be especially awful to find underneath the tree:

#6a: The Lions Infant Cheerleader Jumper


Do you hate your daughter? Want them to grow up to be the biggest loser everywhere she goes? Get her one of these little outfits, and you'll immediately notice all the little boys and girls moving further and further away from your child, so as to avoid the stench of losing. No, that's no diaper. That's a winless season that you smell.

#6b: Lions Necktie


This tie isn't all bad. Sure, it's ugly. Yeah, it's a Detroit Lions tie, and they're the worst team ever, in the history of sports. But the one good thing about this tie is that it comes with instructions for an alternate way to wear it after next Sunday when they complete the first 0-16 season in NFL history.

#6c: Matt Millen Autographed Football


This is an officially licensed NFL football, with Matt Millen's autograph. He wrote "Best Wishes" on it. Apparently, "Best Wishes" = "Worst Season Ever". This gift could actually be considered an investment. It sold for $45.99, but if you can find a way to get that filthy signature off of it, it actually could be worth almost twice as much.


#5: Baseball Cuffs


These baseball cuffs definitely make a statement. That statement is: "I'm a huge douche, and I want the world to know it". By giving these to someone, you can make a statement, too. What kind of statement you ask? Simple: "I hate you, and I want you to look as stupid as humanly possible, so I bought you these baseball cuffs, hoping that you would somehow wear them in public, not realizing how ridiculous you look." At least that's the basic idea.


#4: Sports Team Ceiling Fan




If one of these ceiling fans would actually match the decor in someone's house, then they deserve them. If these fans would somehow fit in someone's house without inducing nausea to everyone who walked through the door, then more power to them. But if you are friends with someone who would put these in their house, or would even consider it, then you might want to find yourself some new friends.


#3: Bowling Ball Flash Drive


Do you know someone who has trouble keeping track of those tiny memory sticks? Know someone who loses thumb drives like it's going out of style? Well, this bowling ball flash drive definitely isn't the answer. If it's a relatively big flash drive (8 GB), and a light bowling ball, we're still talking about 1 pound per gigabyte. In an age where efficiency is everything, this is the exact opposite of what anyone would want. Try sticking this in your desktop computer, and watch the ball crash to the ground, with the flash drive breaking off in the computer, and ripping apart your CPU in the process. This is about 10 disasters waiting to happen. Don't even think about getting it near a laptop.


#2: Deluxe Mr. Quarterback Passing Machine


What do you get the kid who's a huge football fan? The Deluxe Mr. Quarterback Passing Machine? Ummm... no. How about some friends to throw the ball with, or a dad that will play catch with him? That might work, instead. Sure, this lame machine tosses a perfect spiral every time, and can range from 5 to 30 yards, but not even Joe Montana threw a perfect spiral every time, and even Chad Pennington's baby arm can throw more than 30 yards. Their website claims that you can "Practice running catch and pass patterns with this football-passing machine". I suppose, but only if you like practicing the same pattern over and over again, catching the ball in the same spot every time, until you went and adjusted the "quarterback" again.


#1: Inflatable Defender; Ben Wallace Basketball Training Aid


Want your kid to get some real hoops experience against a 4-time NBA defensive player of the year? Then you better hope he makes it to the NBA, or gets rich and attends one of those crazy fantasy camps, because this inflatable Ben Wallace doll is, well, just that: an inflatable Ben Wallace doll. It's not going to send it into the 5th row whenever your kid brings that weak stuff into his house, like the real Ben Wallace would. This Ben Wallace is just going to sit there with that same stupid stare, as your kid learns how to shoot through the space between his head and his arm, or learns how to bounce it off his head and into the basket a la Jose Canseco, or something like that.

Inflate this bad boy, and you still only have a Ben Wallace doll. No more, no less.




Now that you know what NOT to buy your friends and family for Christmas, go out and get your last minute gifts for them. Just make sure your gifts better than these ones.
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12/25/08   |   blksiryder

hey vick may make a comeback. he just cant play for the browns. fed rules say he can never be around dogs

12/24/08   |   richardhetro

 No! No! I want an Official Deluxe Mr. Quarterback Passing Machine with Official Pop Warner Football.

Warning:  You may shoot your eye out kid.  

12/24/08   |   derms33   |   17653 respect

Pat wrote:
If you reverse the direction, they can suck instead. Would that make you feel any better about it?

In that case..I'll take a Michigan one

12/24/08   |   Pat   |   5235 respect

derms33 wrote:
I have to admit..I'd take that Ceiling Fan..if It comes in Ohio St...Wait that insinuates that they Blow...forget it

If you reverse the direction, they can suck instead. Would that make you feel any better about it?

12/24/08   |   derms33   |   17653 respect

I have to admit..I'd take that Ceiling Fan..if It comes in Ohio St...Wait that insinuates that they Blow...forget it

12/24/08   |   TheGreat8

Why the hell does Jason Witten have his own pickle juice? Maybe that is why T.O. is so sour towards him, Jason made him drink that pickle juice drink!

12/24/08   |   keebs8   |   1701 respect

MWolverines1 wrote:
it sucks thay come out with all these damn cool toys now that i'm to old to play with them like with this WWE Elimination Chamber playset thing is pretty sweet why didn't thay come out with this 10 years ago

I bought my little boy the WWE Arena playset, and yes you can bet Daddy is going to have some Table, Latter's and Chair's matches...

12/24/08   |   keebs8   |   1701 respect

derms33 wrote:
not if its a Punching Bag

The Romeo Crennel doll, is not, but the Phil Savage doll I also brought, is.. Just poke the Crennel doll with some pins and needles, maybe the doll will show some kind of expression cuz Crennel sure as heck never does...

12/24/08   |   MWolverines1   |   6 respect

it sucks thay come out with all these damn cool toys now that i'm to old to play with them like with this WWE Elimination Chamber playset thing is pretty sweet why didn't thay come out with this 10 years ago

12/24/08   |   derms33   |   17653 respect

JBrenn wrote:
Pfft...I'm buying nine of the B-dub blow ups, and having the greatest pick-up game EVER!

their inflatable backs hurt and they will miss the game

12/24/08   |   JBrenn   |   44 respect

Pfft...I'm buying nine of the B-dub blow ups, and having the greatest pick-up game EVER!

12/23/08   |   BusinessCasual   |   2 respect

Do you think any offer overnight shipping?

12/23/08   |   sharapovasthigh

At least the inflatable Wallace doesn't teach you how to shoot free throws.

12/23/08   |   derms33   |   17653 respect

keebs8 wrote:

Derms, I guess im going to have to take back the inflatable Romeo Crennel doll that I brought for you from the Beach.. lol...

not if its a Punching Bag

12/23/08   |   redsox1002003   |   881 respect

well here's a gift for all those down and out lions fans. you guys were a champion this year. DON"T FORGET! and here is the championship shirt to prove it!. http://since57.com/

12/23/08   |   primo   |   1 respect

isn't the inflatable defender what ben wallace has become in recent years since leaving the Big D

12/23/08   |   MrNFL   |   175 respect

This was a fantastic article.

12/23/08   |   Boski93   |   375 respect

I think that Orioles door knocker only will work if the door leads to the basement.

12/23/08   |   Hjelming

This is really funny -- especially that pickled juice -- I hate pickles...  Now off for some annual late xmas shopping and maybe buy a ben wallace for the office :)

12/23/08   |   gobigblue1960   |   4805 respect

Anyone who feels sorry for me, i'll take a Throwback Charlie Sanders, circa '70's Lions, size 3x. Throw in the Millen football. 

12/23/08   |   keebs8   |   1701 respect

Derms, I guess im going to have to take back the inflatable Romeo Crennel doll that I brought for you from the Beach.. lol...

12/23/08   |   keebs8   |   1701 respect

I have tons of Ohio state, Indians sports gifts and then My Browns, at the moment I cant think of anything worse to possibly get then another reminder how pathetic the Browns really are...

12/23/08   |   Heyhey1970   |   194 respect

The Lions Infant Cheerleader Jumper, "Do you hate your daughter?" line was classic. 

My wife and I bought several Cubs presents for our 5 month old this Christmas.  Since we're bringing him into a life of heartache and despair, I wonder if that counts as child abuse?  Maybe the Cubs will win multiple World Series in his generation.   

12/23/08   |   100%InjuryRate   |   1283 respect

seal_warrior1 wrote:
I must admit, I think you found some of the most horrible sports gifts on the market!  Do you get these in your mailbox, or how do you come upon these *wonderful* items?  Please tell me this is not from your secret collection! 

You caught me. I do own the inflatable Ben Wallace.

12/23/08   |   streetballer123   |   4065 respect

Well, I am definately NOT buying anything from you this Christmas.

12/23/08   |   dave_brackett

(Edited by dave_brackett)

Pickle JUICE?????? Hey number 10 looks like # 1 in a bottle is that sold to other players for the day they drop..... You know Duece McCalister would buy it by the case...

12/23/08   |   dave_brackett

Hey everyone needs something for the fire. Refer to everything that has a 6 by it.....

12/23/08   |   ikechukwu20003000

seal_warrior1 wrote:
I must admit, I think you found some of the most horrible sports gifts on the market!  Do you get these in your mailbox, or how do you come upon these *wonderful* items?  Please tell me this is not from your secret collection! 

what is it?

12/23/08   |   ILoveSmoke   |   3 respect

Phew, already have the Tony Stewart #20 Santa Hat...but I could use a #14 one though...hint hint...

12/23/08   |   chicachericola   |   2 respect

seal_warrior1 wrote:
I must admit, I think you found some of the most horrible sports gifts on the market!  Do you get these in your mailbox, or how do you come upon these *wonderful* items?  Please tell me this is not from your secret collection! 

You do bring up a very valid point there. How does one find such things? Although i'll admit, I do own a Tony Stewart santa hat and stocking. They were given to me last year. To the naughty list I go...

12/23/08   |   seal_warrior1   |   2231 respect

I must admit, I think you found some of the most horrible sports gifts on the market!  Do you get these in your mailbox, or how do you come upon these *wonderful* items?  Please tell me this is not from your secret collection!