London calling... Roger Goodell not answering
Despite repeated attempts by British Prime Minister David Cameron to reach a peaceful solution with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and the U.S. Government, this weekend’s game between the 0-3 Pittsburgh Steelers and 0-3 Minnesota Vikings at London’s Wembley Stadium will apparently still be played.
The Vikings took British Royal Air Force fighters by surprise by sneaking into Heathrow, under the cloak of fog and drizzle, days before this Sunday’s contest. A clearly disheartened RAF Group Captain Reggie Scofield had this to say: “Those bloody purple bastards weren’t supposed to be here until Thursday! And we thought for sure they’d be arriving in ships. What kind of Vikings are these anyway???” With Minnesota and their winless stench already on terra firma all U.K. military personnel are now on high alert in an effort to keep out the equally putrid Steelers of Pittsburgh. One popular rumor currently has Steelers’ Head Coach Mike Tomlin mobilizing his team in Ireland (a Dan Rooney stronghold) for a potential daring tunnel-in operation.
Meanwhile, unfortunate ticketholders to what the English Press have dubbed “The Minny Pitts” and “Super Bollocks I” are finding zero takers for this battle of the winless. “Blimey! It’s getting right ugly,” said Brighton Pub Owner Erik Pack. “I tried to give away free tickets with every purchase of a pint and a bag of crisps, and they locked me in the boot of me own car and left me there.” Even soccer hooligans are reportedly staying away from this one, with most saying that they’d have more fun rioting at a scheduled Wham! reunion concert in Birmingham. And just this morning Queen Elizabeth II weighed in on the game, urging her countrymen to treat it like The Blitz (the World War II variety) and stay indoors.
There’s currently unsubstantiated talk of an eleventh hour offer where the winner of Minnesota vs. Pittsburgh will be allowed to return to the States while the loser will be relegated to the third level of the English Premier League. Whether or not the game gets played, there is little doubt that this so-called sporting event will leave a taste in everyone’s mouths ten times worse than English pizza and could have a profoundly negative effect on U.S./British relations for years to come.