Can Jerry's Kids put the first dent in the Falcons' perfect record? [NFL Sunday Live Thread]
Jason has been with FanIQ off and on for several years and although he's an avid sports fan, he's most active in the Locker Room. This is the first time he has joined us for the NFL Sunday pregame, but it's highly probable we'll have requests for a return visit.
Take it away, Jason!
I'm basing all my predictions on the names/mascots of the teams playing. Since parity runs rampant and I suck at making predictions, I figure why not have some fun.
Chiefs @ Chargers
I don't even know what the hell a charger is. I'm going to just call them cell phone chargers since that's the first thing I think of when someone says charger. So basically we have eleven native american tribal leaders vs eleven cell phone chargers. The Chiefs take this. I can see the tribal chiefs approaching these mysterious black things and stabbing the crap out of them with their huge awesome spears while cursing the white man for bringing small pox. Chiefs 24 - Evil White Man Magic 21.
Jess: Interesting take, and by the way the Chargers are performing recently I might agree with you. But, I think that they know their season's on the line, Norv's job should be on the line, and they're at home. The Chargers will show up and pull off the win.
*By the time this publishes, this whole pick and "analysis" will be moot.
Broncos @ Bengals
Eleven wild horses vs. eleven tigers. I don't think this one is even close. Tigers are pure hunting machines. Horses let people sit on them. Bengals 27 - Broncos 17.
Jess: Horses let people sit on them? Have you ever tried to sit on a wild horse? No, scratch that, have you ever tried to sit on Peyton Manning? I'm pretty sure that wouldn't go over well. I think that the Broncos do what they usually do - fall behind early but come back and win it in the fourth.
Ravens @ Browns
So I looked up how the "Browns" got their name. Uh...they got their name from Paul Brown? As in the Paul Browns. Holy crap that's ridiculous. Eleven descendants of Paul Brown vs. eleven large black birds. I don't even know how to choose...a bunch of little great great grandkids won't really know how to deal with eleven crazy birds flying around trying to peck their eyes out. Pandemonium ensues. Kids running around eyeless bumping into shtuff, crying, falling around while the birds pluck away. I'd pay good money to see this. Ravens 35 - Small Blind Children 14.
Jess: Whoa. We just went from Paul Brown descendants to small blind children. What just happened? Anyway...obviously the Ravens and Browns have a rich history between them, and I'm sure there's a little bit of bad blood there, if only between the fans. If Flacco can pull it together, this could be a blowout. I'm not sure that's going to happen, but I still think the Ravens win this one.
Cardinals @ Packers
Jesus...another team named after an owner? So the Packers got their name because the guy who put up the initial money for the team owned a company named Indian Packing. I don't know what an Indian packer is but they sound like someone you don't want to mess with. If they can pack an Indian they can probably take care of some dumb red birds. Indian Packers 42 - Cardinals 9.
Jess: I...huh? I don't know what an Indian packer is either, but I'm thinking it has more to do with cheese than anything else. Regardless of how you got there, I agree with your pick, and oddly enough, your score seems reasonable as well.
Bears @ Titans
Eleven Greek gods vs eleven bears? How is this fair for the poor bears you ask? Well here's how...the bears are infused with the power of baby Jesus...who, by the way, hates pagans and the false idols they worship. So fueled by some old school Old Testament Jesus juice the holy bears obliterate their ancient predecessors. Jesus Bears 28 - False Gods 9.
Jess: Did Tebow get traded when I wasn't looking? I know Cutler can have some rough games, but that's a little ridiculous. Oh... The way the Bears are playing lately, I think they'll be too much for the Titans to take unless something goes wonky, which is always a possibility. They'll probably put up a bigger fight than you're anticipating though and keep it close, maybe even taking the lead a time or two.
Dolphins @ Colts
Here we go again with wild horses. Eleven of them against eleven dolphins. Poor little dolphins all laying around flapping their little flippers while a bunch of stupid horses gallop around and shtuff. Damn...this game is PETA's worst nightmare. Even if PETA members were to run on the field and spray the dumbass dolphins with a hose to keep them wet they aren't going to be able to stand up and do anything...just lay there and blow their stupid blowholes. Worst game of the week. Colts 7 - Dolphins 6.
Jess: Wow. I think this might be a decent game, actually, but I have Miami winning a close matchup. They're playing a lot better than expected this year, and the Colts are still finding themselves.
Panthers @ Redskins
In the racist game of the week we have a bunch of ticked off African Americans vs. some normal run of the mill reservation Indians. Remember...these guys aren't chiefs...so no huge awesome spears...just loincloths and daggers made of rock or something. Panthers 17 - Redskins 14.
Jess: Jason, don't you know that the best warriors in the tribe were usually just "normal-run-of-the-mill" guys with really great weapons? Bows with poisoned arrows, spears, battle hammers, tomahawks, hatchet axes, jawbone clubs, blow guns...the list goes on. Wait...why am I getting sucked into this conversation with you? This is football. This year, I think RGIII is better than Cam Newton. That may change in the future after Newton crawls out of his sophomore slump and RGIII falls into his, it may not. Either way, Redskins, flip your score.
Lions @ Jaguars
I'm not saying Jaguars like that stupid guy in the car commercials...its not jag"wers" you British dolt, its jag"wires". Anyway...all this game is missing are some Christians to throw on the field and we would have ourselves some truly medieval shtuff. Lions are just too big for the tiny jag"wires". Lions 28 - Jag"wires" 7.
Jess: The Jag"wahrs" are awful this year, and the Lions are coming off of their momentum-building win against the Seahawks last week. That, coupled with the newfound weapon in Titus Young, is just enough to give Stafford some confidence against a very weak Jags team. Lions, easily.
Bills @ Texans
Eleven guys named Bill vs eleven true "merkins". Nothing in the world is worse than one of these 'merkins...let alone a whole team of them. Nine times of out 10 the 'merkins win just because their opponents walk off the field chuckling and shaking their heads. Merkins 35 - Bills forfeit.
Jess: Can that even happen in the NFL? And did you know that the Buffalo Bills used to be the Bisons before the fans renamed them the Bills after Wild Bill Cody? Bison are mean, and they can kill people. And Bill Cody killed bison. So it stands to reason that he was tougher. Uhm... "merkins"?...I don't even know how to respond to this. Texans win. By a lot.
Buccaneers @ Raiders
HOLY WOW CRAP! Manliest game of the week! Everyone wins...nerds...women...gays! This should be the Sunday night game! Primetime! Pirate on pirate action. Sword fights...cannons...swashbuckling...arrr mateys....I'm getting a [censored]. Buccaneers 14 - Raiders 14.
Jess: Tie game? Hm...with these two teams, I could see it happening, actually. Tampa Bay has to travel quite a long way, but I think they overcome that obstacle and take this game. But I do think it will be close - you might be right about the fact that it should be on Primetime.
Vikings @ Seahawks
Seahawks are just glorified seagulls. Seagulls are just flying white rats. Disgusting effers flying around spreading their AIDS. Can't eat on the beach without 73 of these things trying to fly into your mouth to steal your partially chewed Cheez-It. Gross. Thank goodness its been historically proven that Vikings were immune to pretty much everything but other badass Vikings and old age. Also, Vikings had beards...real beards...not the metrosexual beards of today. Vikings 42 - Flying Rats 3.
Jess: Seriously?! Seagulls? Flying rats? That's completely inaccurate, sir. While a "seahawk" isn't a technical term, it refers to an osprey, which is an awesome bird of prey. And Taima, the Seahawks real mascot, is an auger hawk. Gorgeous. Google it. I may never speak to you again. All that said, regardless of whether the Hawks win or lose, they'll keep it a lot closer than 39pts. They're at the Clink with the 12th man.
Steelers @ Giants
So a bunch of guys dressed up like Blind Melon groupies vs some giants? I dont care if you do pour hot steel all day...it does nothing to stop a huge foot from stepping on your face. Even if I were to level the playing field a little and say eleven Andre the Giants its still no use. That guy could drink like 7 kegs of beer in one sitting. Giants 24 - Steelers 10.
Jess: Hah! I hope you're right. I think the Giants win too...maybe not by much. And I think it comes down to last minute drama.
Cowboys @ Falcons
What the hell do cowboys really do? Nothing. They sit around on horses and make sure cows stay put. They sit around and eat beans and play harmonicas around campfires...facepalm. Hands down the most overrated mythos in american pop culture. The Falcons make Hitchcock proud. Falcons 36 - Brokeback Mountains 12.
Jess: Hmm. I'll agree with cowboys being overrated in general, but, Billy the Kid? Doc Holliday? Butch Cassidy? Even Calamity Jane? I wouldn't want to face them. These people killed people for fun. Oh wait - I guess they weren't technically cow people. Anyway.The longer the Falcons go undefeated, the more difficult it is for them to stay that way. Good thing they're facing the Cowboys this week, because Dallas is just bizarre. And they're in Atlanta. I like the odds for a Falcons win here too.
MNF Bonus Pick:
Eagles @ Saints
Think about what would happen if Mother Theresa, Thomas Aquinas, Vincent DePaul, and the gang lined up against 11 physical embodiments of the United States of by God America? Rifts would be open in the space time continuum. Virgin births all across the land! Heretics catch on fire in the middle of the street! Kirk Cameron weeps tears of blood! Mitt Romney tells the truth! Christians vs Americans! BUT...CHRISTIANS...ARE...AMERICANS......AMERICANS...ARE...CHRISTIANS....ARRHGHARRGHGHARARGGHGH. All white people implode. Eagles 14 Saints 13.
Jess: The Saints defense is a mess. The Eagles are just a mess. Is it Andy Reid? Is it Michael Vick? Is it just Philadelphia in general? Who knows. While it would usually make sense for this to be a shootout, I don't see that happening. Unless Michael Vick goes bananas in an effort to keep his job and out-plays Brees, Saints win.
Thank you, Jason, for a very entertaining and actually quite educational look into the wild world of the NFL. The strangest thing about this particular edition is that you'll probably come closest to getting all of your picks correct, since there was no real NFL analysis involved.
Everyone else - grab a drink, some snacks, and Q it up here for NFL Sunday on FanIQ!
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