Weighing all options, NFL considers widening field, shrinking players

2/12/13 in NFL   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

Blog Photo - Weighing all options, NFL considers widening field, shrinking players
Darren Sproles in the middle of a juke
that didn't fool the man launching himself at his head.

The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.

As the harmful long-term effects of playing football become increasingly more difficult to ignore, the NFL has found itself weighing all types of options to ensure player safety, from widening the football field to shrinking the players themselves.

"Seeing as the field has been the same size width since the beginning of our sport, we understand why the American public is finding this idea so troublesome" admitted one league source. "Therefore, the logical alternative is tol to revert the players back to their original size--the size of real humans." 

In order to downsize the NFL player the league would look to weed out those taking human growth hormones, coating themselves in deer antler spray, ingesting sea turtle testosterone, and using ground up wooly mammoth fossils as a salt substitute. 

By reducing the size of the average player just 20%, the field would seem that much bigger, the speed of play that much faster, and instead of absorbing skull-rattling hits and falling lifelessly to the ground, tests show similar hits would be more likely to send the lighter, more agile NFLer airborn.

"Again, we're looking at all options," stressed the league source. "But this is clearly the best one."

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