Why Your Team Will Fail: AFC South Doomsday Preview

9/6/13 in NFL   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

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By this time next week, about 1 out of every 2 of you eager football fans will have flipped the switch from HOORAY, FOOTBALL'S BACK! to OH MY GOD THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE. All it takes is a loss in Week 1 for the doom and gloom to start setting in, so let's get pre-empt the inevitable and embrace defeat before it blindsides us. 

Here's why your favorite team is going to fail in 2013, AFC South:

Houston Texans
Still sticking with Schaub, eh?

YOU BLEW IT! Houston, you've missed your window. There aren't many second chances in the NFL, and even fewer thirds. Your chances at winning it all in 2013 will crumble as one of any of the following scenarios will play out:
  • If Arian Foster doesn't run out of gas soon, he'll get injured. Ben Tate will come in, millions of shrewd fantasy owners will damage their spine while patting themselves on the back too hard, and Ben Tate won't be nearly as good as Arian Foster once was.
  • Matt Schaub will play just well enough to convince the front office they don't need to draft a quarterback, and then lose somewhere around the divisional round because he's not nearly as good as the opposing QB.
  • Andre Johnson will be 32 years old. I told you, you missed your window.
  • With Brian Cushing back from injury, JJ Watt coming off an MVP-type season, and the addition of Ed Reed, the Texans defense will be dominant all season, until they're torched in Foxboro or Mile High in a game that actually means something.
Indianapolis Colts
All we've got is Luck! 

Colts fans must be feeling so optimistic right now. They've got the franchise QB of their dreams, a young defense, and every reason to think that nothing but green pastures and winning seasons lie ahead. Let's try and shake that confidence a bit:
  • Teams will dare the Colts to run. Andrew Luck will turn around to hand the ball off to Ahmad Bradshaw, but Bradshaw won't be there. He'll be undergoing the routine maintenance the screws inserted into his foot require. 
  • Opposing defenses will now know they need to guard T.Y. Hilton. An angry linebacker will line up Hilton on a crossing pattern over the middle and send him to the farm to join former-Colt Austin Collie. 
  • The Colts will be without a #1 wide receiver as soon as Reggie Wayne starts to play like somebody his age (34). Luck will then look for T.Y. Hilton, only to realize that he's still concussed from the previous bullet point.
  • Teams will keep the ball out of Andrew Luck's hands after they realize that the Colts can not stop the run. Laron Landry will get frustrated and deliver a helmet-to-helmet blow on the opposing running back, adding another 15 yards to the play.
  • The Colts, who won the most games by the fewest point margin last season, won't be so lucky this year. Everybody in Indianapolis will be blue.
Jacksonville Jaguars
The new unis won't help

Apparently Maurice Jones-Drew was playing in so much pain this pre-season he asked himself 'if he could really do this any more'. We're off to a good start! 

The Jacksonville Jaguars will have a terrible season because, first and foremost, they are being forced to play in uniforms that make them look like an Arena Football expansion team. Because of these uniforms, the players' spirits will be broken before they play their first blacked-out home game. Further,
  • Justin Blackmon is like a less-talented Dez Bryant who gets arrested more often.
  • Blaine Gabbert's career completion % is lower than Mark Sanchez's, and now they have matching hairstyles.
  • Luke Joekel was really sad he didn't go #1 overall in this year's draft, and even sadder that he went #2 to Jacksonville.
Chin-up, Jaguars fans. 2014 is a very deep draft.

Tennessee Titans
Chris Johnson doesn't like you

The Titans came into this season with a plan. They would run the hell out of the ball, keep their less-than-stellar defense off the field, and take the pressure off of Jake Locker and put him in a position to succeed.
The Titans put a lot of resources into their run game this off-season. They signed guard Andre Levitre to a big 6-year deal, acquired a good run-blocking TE in Delanie Walker, and drafted Chance Warmack with the #10 overall pick in the draft. The entire plan will fall apart because Chris Johnson never does what people want him to do.

When nobody thought much of Chris Johnson, he had a breakout season. When everybody drafted him #1 overall in their fantasy leagues, he disappointed. He'll run 60 yards on 3rd and 15, but get stuffed at the line on 4th and inches. If you found out that Chris Johnson was actively rooting for, say, the Atlanta Falcons throughout his entire career, you wouldn't be surprised.

Why your team will fail: AFC East
AFC North
AFC West

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