Why Your Team Will Fail: AFC West Doomsday Preview

9/6/13 in NFL   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

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By this time next week, about 1 out of every 2 of you eager football fans will have flipped the switch from HOORAY, FOOTBALL'S BACK! to OH MY GOD THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE. All it takes is a loss in Week 1 for the doom and gloom to start setting in, so let's get pre-empt the inevitable and embrace defeat before it blindsides us. 

Here's why your favorite team is going to fail in 2013, AFC West:

Denver Broncos

It's all fun and games until Peyton throws a back-breaking interception

Alright, I'll give it you. You're off to a pretty good start. You're probably a flying a mile-high right now, wondering if Peyton's really going to toss 105 more touchdowns this season. At this point, you probably think it's mathematically impossible that he won't throw 105 more touchdowns this season. Man it's good to be you.

But, come on, think about it this way: there's only one Peyton Manning season that didn't end in crushing disappointment, and that was 2006-07, when he had the pleasure of squaring off against the great Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl. Your QB has thrown some clutch interceptions in his career. 

Super Bowl or bust is a dangerous game to play for any fan. Get ready to party all season, and sweat through your couch-cushion come January. You don't just have to deal with the Patriots, Niners, Seahawks and Falcons of the world, but also the Ravenses and Giantses. The team that comes out of nowhere to take what you felt entitled to the entire season. Who's going to rip your heart out this year? It doesn't matter who I name, because it's definitely going to be somebody else you didn't even see coming. This is how you will fail.

Kansas City Chiefs
Because Andy Reid totally got the most out of the talent on the Eagles all those years

Andy Reid has smashed his head against his own ceiling countless times in his career. Over and over he took a talented Eagles team to the NFC Championship game, and over and over, he lost. When he finally broke through that ceiling he seemed to have set for himself and made the Super Bowl, he lost again. When he had a "dream team" of a roster 2 seasons ago in Philly, he missed the playoffs. When he tried to bounce back from that disappointing season, he lost even harder. 

We all like Andy Reid, but do we really expect Alex Smith to play any better under Reid than he did under Harbaugh? Do we expect him to utilize Jamaal Charles any better than he under-utilized LeSean McCoy last year? 

Chiefs, you're going to be better than you were last season, that's for sure. But if Andy Reid's tenure in KC is anything like that in Philadelphia, you're in for a whole new era of mediocrity. I refer you to the Andy Reid School of Clock Management for a preview of what's to come.

Oakland Raiders
The Black Hole: where good football goes to die

Raiders fans, you're not delusional. You probably already have Teddy Bridgewater on the mind. I'd stay away from Jadaveon Clowney, though. Something about Clowney tells me he would make a perfect addition to a list of 1st round Oakland Raider busts. If a guy is accused of taking plays off in college, he'll take entire seasons off in Oakland, show up to camp 45 pounds overweight and addicted to some cool new drug we'd never even heard about.

If we're going to start anywhere this season, however, let's begin with Terrelle Pryor. There's already dissent within the organization over starting the season with Pryor under center-- maybe because he didn't have an especially impressive pre-season, maybe because he looks more like a strong safety than a QB. Either way, Raiders' owner Mark Davis wants to see what Pryor can do, while "key figures" within the organization are more than skeptical. This is not a good start. 

Throw in the fact that the Raiders traded away 2 draft picks for Matt Flynn and recently cut their 4th round draft pick, QB Tyler Wilson (who would later be added to the practice squad), and it looks like business as usual in Oakland. Just breathe, Raiders fans, and repeat the following mantra: Teddy Bridgewater, Teddy Bridgewater, Teddy Bridgewater.

San Diego Chargers
Can't decide if they would rather lose in dark or powder blue jerseys

Let's bullet point this one.
  • Philip Rivers throws like a sidearming alligator.
  • Danario Alexander is lost for the season, meaning Eddie Royal is going to be a big part of your offense. 
  • Ryan Mathews discovers a new bone in his body every year and promptly breaks it.
  • The Chargers won't be able to figure out how Danny Woodhead was used so effectively in New England. At a loss, they will be left with no option but to put him up for adoption.
  • Norv Turner's fingerprints are still all over the roster. 
  • Peyton Manning will throw 18 touchdowns against the Chargers alone this season. 

Why your team will fail: AFC East
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