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Asked by: Fatal (+)
Answers Created: 2261
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Last Answer: lilserenity2007 (+)
Answers: 31
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« Locker Room Polls
18
Husband and wives jokes for the weekend(FOR EVERYONE)
Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know?" She replied, >"My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

>From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after
I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know
that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why?

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
home
that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's
arms... " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then
coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers
and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's
all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting
the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have
I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her
everytime they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the
husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer
her." One of his friends asked.
"And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The
man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house
and
none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock
in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that
cured him. "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said,
"You see, his name is Bill."


Husband & Wife - Problem Father


"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He
replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's
wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

   ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF???

 

FanIQ Pts? No | Locker Room | Closes 3 days | Multiple Choice Opinion Poll
Teams:  Jokes
Funny
Not funny
Other
WTF
18

(Caution -- you will be unable to change your answer.)


 &nbp;
TOP COMMENT * * * * * * * * * * * *
#13 | 26 days ago

One night a long time married couple decides to head to the Bedroom.

The Husband suggests that they have some fun, and mentions "doggie style"

The wife says great, You sit up and Beg, and I will roll over and play Dead........

Enter the poll to see my answer
  
33 Comments | Sorted by Most Recent First | Red = You Disagreed
Vote for your favorite comments. Fans decide the Top Comment (3+ votes) and also hide poor quality comments (4+ votes).
#1 | 26 days ago

How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

 

 

#2 | 26 days ago

What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

 

 

#3 | 26 days ago

How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.

 

 


 

#4 | 26 days ago

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.


#5 | 26 days ago

In the middle of a dispute the husband said: 'Let's not quarrel, my dear, let's discuses the thing sensibly.' 'No,' said the angry wife, 'every time we discuss something sensibly, I lose!'

#6 | 26 days ago

** I see your face, when I am dreaming.
That's why I always, wake up screaming.

** Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you're not.

** Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

** I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

** Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

** I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

** I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

** My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

** My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

** What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

#7 | 26 days ago

** She: Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?

He: Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!

** Have you heard of the man who never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

** An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. A pesimist is a married optimist.

** A husband is one who lays down the law for his wife and then accepts all her amendments.

** In married life, office plays a very imporant role. It's the place where you relax from your strenuos home life!

 

#8 | 26 days ago

** Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

** Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

** If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.

#9 | 26 days ago

(Edited by customercare31)

** A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."

 

 

 

 

** A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

 

 

** Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

#10 | 26 days ago

** Two friends, who hadn't seen each other in several years, met on the street.

"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.

"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."



** First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."

 

#11 | 26 days ago

** Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.

"We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.

"Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."

#12 | 26 days ago

** After a few months of marriage Aparna's husband reported her Missing. Police found her, but she refused to come back.
"We met while playing mixed doubles tennis," she said.
"When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles. Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football. There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I'm worried."

 

 

 

 

 

#13 | 26 days ago

One night a long time married couple decides to head to the Bedroom.

The Husband suggests that they have some fun, and mentions "doggie style"

The wife says great, You sit up and Beg, and I will roll over and play Dead........

Enter the poll to see my answer
#14 | 26 days ago

Thanks Fatal - I love jokes and I have given plenty above for all to enjoy - Your collection in the poll question was simply marvellous!
#15 | 26 days ago

This is my last and best contribution Fatal in this poll of yours-

** It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
#16 | 26 days ago

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
 
 
Enter the poll to see my answer
#17 | 26 days ago

"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

Enter the poll to see my answer
#18 | 26 days ago




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight.
Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops

to the floor.


I could watch this one over and over…. OH wait a minute…I have!!!







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

Enter the poll to see my answer
#19 | 26 days ago

Womens Anger Management
Wed, May 6, 2009 12:08:48 AM
 
From:
Michael bern <michael50iai@gmail.com>  
View Contact
To: Michael bern <michael50iai@gmail.com>  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight.
Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops

to the floor.


I could watch this one over and over…. OH wait a minute…I have!!!







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 
 
 
 
Enter the poll to see my answer
#20 | 26 days ago
Wordsmith (+)

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"
 
To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replies.
 
"What word?" she asks. 
"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice." 

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
 
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
 
St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!
 
"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?" Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven." 

"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word." 

"What word?" he asks. 

"Oh... just the capital of Iceland....'Reykjavik'."
Enter the poll to see my answer
#21 | 26 days ago
Wordsmith (+)

(Edited by Wordsmith)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
 

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."


"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.   Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"


"You're going to die," she replied.

Enter the poll to see my answer
#22 | 26 days ago

I smell failure.
#23 | 25 days ago

LOL
#24 | 25 days ago

Wife to Doctor - My Husband has the habit of talking in sleep. What should I give him to cure him?
Doctor - Oppurtunity to speak when awake.
Enter the poll to see my answer
#25 | 25 days ago

spyder6665 wrote:
Womens Anger Management
Wed, May 6, 2009 12:08:48 AM
 
From:
Michael bern <michael50iai@gmail.com>  
View Contact
To: Michael bern <michael50iai@gmail.com>  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight.
Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops

to the floor.


I could watch this one over and over…. OH wait a minute…I have!!!







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 
 
 
 
Spyder - can you please make the font much smaller - the words are not at all visible and it is impossible to read. 

And don't reply that you had meant it to be that way! Please!
#26 | 25 days ago

Every Man needs a Wife, coz there are no. of things that go wrong in Man's life.
And for everything you can't keep blaming the Government.
Enter the poll to see my answer
#27 | 25 days ago

Wife to her Husband - Do you see that drunken fellow ? Five years ago I refused him to marry and he is still drinking.
Husband - Such a long celebration!
Enter the poll to see my answer
#28 | 25 days ago

Man comes home, saw his wife sleeping with his friend. He shoots his friend.
Wife says - If you behave this way, you will loose all your friends.
Enter the poll to see my answer
#29 | 25 days ago
Irish22 (+)

How does a man get over his wife?

By getting under his girlfriend.
Enter the poll to see my answer
#30 | 25 days ago
orly1 (William but call me Andy ) profile photo

A bloke calls his wife on the phone and says " I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

Excitely the wife replies "That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"

The bloke retorts "I don't care - just be out of the freakin' house I was get home"

#31 | 25 days ago

Great jokes everyone.   I would tell ya'll one but i have CRS. 
Enter the poll to see my answer
#32 | 24 days ago

only of the world
#33 | 23 days ago

customercare31 wrote:
Spyder - can you please make the font much smaller - the words are not at all visible and it is impossible to read. 

And don't reply that you had meant it to be that way! Please!
i asked for help to do that sorry it was so messed up
Enter the poll to see my answer

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