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Jokes of the Fortnight - 1st Nov. 09 to 15th Nov. 09

Sorry, but since the Q was on the verge of leaping into a new era - Season 2 - I had held this poll back.  But now it is on with a bang and with some newest jokes for all to share.  Go ahead and give your valuable contributions so all have a hearty laughter and ease their tensions too!

| Closed on 11/18/09 at 05:00PM
FanIQ Pts? No | Locker Room | Multiple Choice Opinion Poll
18 Fans 
28%a. I love jokes.
6%b. I love writing them.
17%c. I love telling them.
6%d. I love to hear jokes.
44%e. Others.

 &nbp;
TOP COMMENT * * * * * * * * * * * *
#2 | 1770 days ago

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man

  
24 Comments | Sorted by Most Recent First | Red = You Disagreed
Vote for your favorite comments. Fans decide the Top Comment (3+ votes) and also hide poor quality comments (4+ votes).
#1 | 1770 days ago

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

#2 | 1770 days ago

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man

#3 | 1770 days ago

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Others.  
#4 | 1770 days ago

Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

 

#5 | 1770 days ago

he doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

#6 | 1770 days ago

(Edited by hskrdave)

There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...

. . Itty bitty breasts

()() Little breasts

(.)(.) Nice breasts

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(D)(D) Bullets

(O)(O) Handful breasts

(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts

\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts

[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram

* ^ * Flat chest

(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(<)(<) Perky breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts

lollol Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)

(O)A(O)  f**ked breasts

 

 

#7 | 1770 days ago
darrell223 (+)

A high school teacher asks her anatomy students "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Nicole answers "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks Tommy, who responds "That's easy. The pupil of the eye." "Correct" says the teacher and turning to Nicole she says "I've three things to say to you young lady, first you didn't do your homework, you have a dirty mind and you're in for a big disappointment!"
I love to hear jokes.  
#8 | 1770 days ago

(Edited by hskrdave)

There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He sh!t his pants, he's disqualified!"

#9 | 1770 days ago

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

 

#10 | 1770 days ago

http://www.5iantlavalamp.com/" name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags">

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

 

#11 | 1770 days ago

Very interesting jokes - both of them Jeetkaybee - but sorry - my respect quota for the day is over - still this comment is to laud both your great contributions.  Thanks!
#12 | 1770 days ago

Thanks everybody, very funny. 
Others.  
#13 | 1770 days ago
Cherrie (+)

(Edited by Cherrie)
.

#14 | 1770 days ago

 Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips.  When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My GOD."

I love telling them.  
#15 | 1770 days ago

A man decides to leave the hustle and bustle of city life and moves way into the mountains.  As he is unloading his belongings, he gets a knock at the door.  Wondering who in the world it could be in this remote part of the mountains, he answers the door.  Before him stood a mountain of a man, about 6'5, 300lbs., and a beard that reached his belly.  The mountain man said that he was the new homeowners neighbor about 5 miles over the ridge. "I just wanted to invite you to a little party at my house," said the mountain man.
"Well, what kind of party is it?" replied the newby.  "Well, there's gonna be some eatin', some drinkin', some fightn', and some f@@kin'" The newby, excited about the festivities says, "count me in, what should I wear?" The mountain man replied, "Hell, I don't care, it's just gonna be the two of us!"
#16 | 1770 days ago

cid:_2_05868DAC05868B58006B06AC86257650
I love jokes.  
#17 | 1770 days ago


          The elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

           Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

           Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' 

            Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
 
           Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for  
       
            the boots.

           Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'  
    
           Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll b 
           hanging down again tomorrow!'

           Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 

           'Nope', she replied. 

            'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' 
 
           Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,  'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.   Shoulda bought a hat.'
I love jokes.  
#18 | 1769 days ago

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? ” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? ” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

#19 | 1769 days ago

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. “Congratulations,” said the nurse,
“but don’t you think this is enough? ” The woman replied, “Are you kidding? This is the only
vacation I get each year.”

#20 | 1769 days ago

(Edited by hskrdave)

A man was supposed to meet his girlfriend's family.  Unfortunately, he is so nervous he has an eating problem.  So, halfway through desert he tries very hard to hold his fart.  At the end, he escaped out a little small fart. The sister of  the man's girlfriend shouted "Spot!" to the family dog. Being thankful that the dog was blamed for the gas, he lets  out an even bigger fart. 

"Spot!" shouted the sister again.

  He decided to fart more so he lets out the biggest fart ever.  The sister finally said,
"Spot, come here before he sh!ts on you!"

#21 | 1769 days ago

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

#22 | 1769 days ago

 A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

 

#23 | 1768 days ago

customercare31 wrote:

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man

That was so funny.
#24 | 1767 days ago
normski77 (+)

i can only take so much of jokes,then they piss me off and annoy me
Others.  

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