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5
"I will cut you."
The other day I was at dinner with some of my family, it was really busy and super loud.. It took us forever to order and then get our food.  My mom got a salad and it came with almonds.  She picked off an almond off the top and popped it in her mouth, at some point in the next 1.4 seconds I turned hulk green, shot fire out of my eyeballs at her and said. "I will cut you".  It was all I could hear.. All I heard in this restaurant was the sound of my mom pulverizing boulders into sand in her wide open trap. 

My family knows that it drives me nuts ( pun...intended...sorta...) to hear people crunch their food.  Crunching is not the only food noise that will drive me to punch a kitten, but its the worst one of my weird 'hates'. 

Some noises and things don't make me mad and crabby so much as they give me the skeebie skeebies.. you know the one where your spine feels like a jelly fish, and you don't know if the feeling in your stomach is throw up or laughter.. but you have to do something before you crawl out of your skin?  no? its just me?  lies.....

The sound of a bread knife scraping the side of a glass jar like mayo or jelly.  Just thinking about that noise makes me have to cough.

Scrape your fork, spoon or knife on a glass or even worse ceramic plate of bowl?  I will knock you upside the head.. you can't blame me.. its like a spasm.

I can't hear you eat, crunch, munch, chomp or chew.. I will back hand you as I scream "Chew with your mouth shut!"

Don't get me started on the sound of moon boots dragging on the mall floor...
| Closed on 05/10/10 at 05:00PM
FanIQ Pts? No | Locker Room | Multiple Choice Opinion Poll
22 Fans 
 1. Do you have any pet peeves that will make you punch kitten? (0 points)
36%a. Yes this
14%b. Not punch, maybe pinch.. hard..
9%c. No I would never punch a kitten over something so trivial
0%d. I don't have anything that bad, but I know someone who does
9%e. I gots nuffin
32%f. Other
 2. Do you think that threatening to 'cut my mom' was a bit drastic? (0 points)
18%a. HECK NO! she deserves it
27%b. Depends on if you really would cut her
14%c. Nothing with you is drastic
5%d. Did you spell Drastic right?
18%e. Yes, that was rude mister!
18%f. Other
 3. Would I allow you to eat chips around me? (0 points)
0%a. Yes, I soak them until they are soggy..I am safe
5%b. I don't eat chips
9%c. No, I eat them loud and proud.
59%d. No but I will try
27%e. Other
 4. When you eat food do you consider how you sound? (0 points)
32%a. Yes, I don't want to get cut.
14%b. Only in public.
32%c. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.
0%d. What does that one even mean??
23%e. Other
 5. Do you eat differently when you are alone? (0 points)
18%a. Yes
64%b. No
18%c. Other
 6. Wanna hear about the moonboots? (0 points)
50%a. Yes, please tell me.
9%b. Nah, I know the sound.. its makes me want to punch their mom in the uterus
9%c. Can you say uterus?
32%d. Other

 &nbp;
TOP COMMENT * * * * * * * * * * * *
#14 | 1716 days ago

note to self: don't piss nellie off
  
30 Comments | Sorted by Most Recent First | Red = You Disagreed
Vote for your favorite comments. Fans decide the Top Comment (3+ votes) and also hide poor quality comments (4+ votes).
#1 | 1717 days ago

(Edited by woody050681)
People who don't use their turn signals! The next MF'er that decides to change lanes in front of me without signaling is gonna get a 2001 Chevy pickup driven straight up their a$$

Oh and it's nice to see you back Schmorts Haven't seen you around these parts in ages! Are you here to whip us LR regulars back in to shape?
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Only in public.  5. No  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#2 | 1717 days ago

The sound of Joe Rogan's voice...I swear its like nails on a chalkboard.

1. Yes this  2. Other  3. Other  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. No  6. Other  
#3 | 1717 days ago

1) Punch a kitten?  I'll buy you a tree to hug.  All house cats must die.

 My parents made a big deal about chewing with our mouths closed when we were kids, and I'm having to do it with my kids now.

2)  Yes i think it's a bit drastic to say you'll cut your mom, but I called my mom a bitch to her face when I was in 4th grade so take that as you like it.

3)  This is where I would say just to be around you, but we'd be so drunk we'd be crunching chips just to piss off other people.

4) See #1 and my parents.

5)  I don't pay attention when I eat alone.

6)  Does it involve 18 inches of snow and Michael Jackson?
1. Other  2. Yes, that was rude mister!  3. No but I will try  4. Yes, I don't want to get cut.  5. Other  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#4 | 1717 days ago

(Edited by ms_hippie_queen)

if someone asks me the same question multiple times i'll lose some patience. especially if he/she gets sneaky and tries to just reword the question. also hearing someone else type on a keyboard makes my want to light my ears on fire.

i would gum my chips around you

i swallow really loud sometimes. dunno if folks around me can hear, but it sounds like a mach 5 in my ears.

uterus!

1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. Other  4. Other  5. No  6. Can you say uterus?  
#5 | 1717 days ago

(Edited by woody050681)
ms_hippie_queen wrote:

if someone asks me the same question multiple times i'll lose some patience. especially if he/she gets sneaky and tries to just reword the question. also hearing someone else type on a keyboard makes my want to light my ears on fire.

i would gum my chips around you

i swallow really loud sometimes. dunno if folks around me can hear, but it sounds like a mach 5 in my ears.

uterus!

uterus? Hehe that's a funny word
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Only in public.  5. No  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#6 | 1717 days ago
cubsgirl2 (+)

1. Adults allowing their very young children to order their food in a restaurant. 
2. Hell no you can cut mine too!
3. Probably not, but i'm gonna anyway.
4. Yes I do I hate rude eaters.
5. No, I eat the same only when I am alone their are no calories or carbs in my 3 scoop hot fudge sunday!!!  
6. Naw, maybe another time. Bu thanks for the offer.
#7 | 1717 days ago

(Edited by Jess)
1 - YES - I'm right there with you with the eating sounds; even if the mouths are closed. Also...hiccups. I hate when people have the hiccups. I will throat punch somebody.

2 - No, I'd have backed you up

3 - I have, actually

4 - Nope, I eat the same...because *I'M* the psycho. Nobody else (besides you) really seems to care what I sound like when I eat...but I do.

5 - See #4

6 - Have I already?
1. Yes this  2. HECK NO! she deserves it  3. Other  4. Other  5. No  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#8 | 1717 days ago

woody050681 wrote:
People who don't use their turn signals! The next MF'er that decides to change lanes in front of me without signaling is gonna get a 2001 Chevy pickup driven straight up their a$$

Oh and it's nice to see you back Schmorts Haven't seen you around these parts in ages! Are you here to whip us LR regulars back in to shape?
maybe...
#9 | 1717 days ago
18packabs (+)

Eat More Chikin.......
1. Other  2. Other  3. No but I will try  4. Only in public.  5. Yes  6. Other  
#10 | 1717 days ago

sports_schmorts wrote:
maybe...
I'm starting to feel nostalgic!! Is it 2007 again?
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Only in public.  5. No  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#11 | 1717 days ago

woody050681 wrote:
I'm starting to feel nostalgic!! Is it 2007 again?
maybe...
#12 | 1717 days ago

Pet peeves-----boy do I ever.
-At the movies.....do not crackle or roll up your popcorn bag----I will kick you and get away with it because it is dark and I am "stealth" like that. 
-In my classroom--no food will be eaten in my classroom, if it is raining, I may allow you ----depends on how cold it is. Do not eat while doing you homework.....I can't stand the food residue left on the pages or your homework folder, and you will get a "teacher" look and scolding.
-On the road--let me the F in when I am trying to come out into traffic. I send out evil curses to those who don't. Not paying attention to a lane being closed or just being a d*ck and trying to cheat by passing everyone up and expecting to be let in later---I WILL NOT let you in.
***those are just a few.
2. NO
3. Probably...you don't really scare me.
4. I eat the way I eat all the time...whether someone is around or not.
5. See #4
6. Are you talking Ugg boots? If so, I have a pair and I pick up my feet when I walk.
1. Not punch, maybe pinch.. hard..  2. HECK NO! she deserves it  3. Other  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. No  6. Nah, I know the sound.. its makes me want to punch their mom in the uterus  
#13 | 1717 days ago

lol you kids crack me up..

Moonboots...you know.. oven mitts with soles?  the rubbery boots we wore as kids that were just warm enough for 37 minutes of outside time before the water started to seep through the faux rubber...maybe its a midwesternish thing.. or maybe I made them up... either way.. just kids winter boots.

the noise of kids dragging their feet cause the boots are too heavy to pick up drives me batty.
#14 | 1716 days ago

note to self: don't piss nellie off
#15 | 1716 days ago

People chewing their food doesn't bother me too bad.  There are foods that will make a noise regardless.  The one that drives me batty is people who pop their chewing gum.  It drives me to the point of wanting to hit.
1. Yes this  2. Yes, that was rude mister!  3. No but I will try  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. Other  6. Can you say uterus?  
#16 | 1716 days ago

Schmortie! I'm just hollerin' atcha is all... Fantastic profile pic btw, it's Jersey Shore-esque. Janet Would be proud. Not only am I rambling at this point, I tickin' off Janet. I'm out. (If I don't log on for a couple of days Janet should be considered a person of interest.)
1. Other  2. Nothing with you is drastic  3. No but I will try  4. Yes, I don't want to get cut.  5. Yes  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#17 | 1716 days ago

(Edited by janet011685)
1. Other because "Yes this" doesn't cover the thousands upon thousands that I have.  My most recent, however, is MARCUS rambling on about Jersey Shore (I won't kill you, Marcus, but I will punch you so hard you'll need Snookie's Head-On).
2.  I've threatened to cut many people ... just the other day I threatened to stab my friend for her onion rings.  What?  I was hungry.
3.  Loud chewing is annoying, but they're Pringles ... should I swallow them whole?
4.  I am aware, and try to not be a nuisance, but it is what it is.  I have fabulous table manners (that was so gay of me ... I love it).
5.  Yes, but really sometimes.  For instance, I would not break up a PopTart and throw it into my cereal to eat up with a spoon in public.  Actually, yes I would.    I retract that "yes" answer.

EDIT:  Sorry, got a little mouth-watery on the strength of the PopTarts/cereal combo running through my head and I forgot #6.  Then again, it was a simple answer.  
6.  Yes, I would like to hear more of these moon boots of which you speak. 
1. Other  2. HECK NO! she deserves it  3. No but I will try  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. Yes  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#18 | 1716 days ago

nyrangers wrote:
note to self: don't piss nellie off
You're gettin wise in your old years here Towlie...
#19 | 1716 days ago

marcus_nyce wrote:
Schmortie! I'm just hollerin' atcha is all... Fantastic profile pic btw, it's Jersey Shore-esque. Janet Would be proud. Not only am I rambling at this point, I tickin' off Janet. I'm out. (If I don't log on for a couple of days Janet should be considered a person of interest.)
it is SO not Jersey Shoresque..  its like this high :: holds out fingers 'this high'::
#20 | 1716 days ago

1. Clipping your nails in public is going to get you a black eye! Clipping them in the office after I've told you that it irks me will get you choke slammed!

2. The fast lane is for people who are willing to risk getting the ticket. If you want to drive 55, get the f*ck over. If you see me running up behind you at a pace that would involve me driving right over the top of your tiny little (insert the new popular super ugly slow box hybrid here), GET THE F*CK over! It's not hard.

3.Do not, under any circumstances leave a wet dish cloth sitting in the sink. This gets a wet nasty dish rag thrown in your face! Squeeze it out and hang it to dry. 

4. On that same note: Leaving dirty dish water in the sink will get somebody's child slapped!

5.Clicking pens will get  you a knee to the stomach.

6. Mis-pronouncing words because you really think thats the correct way to say it results in the kitten punch. I dont like cats so this is highly therapeutic. For example Aperntment is not the same as Appointment but i have to here it all of the time. and Alots is not a f**king word!

7. Smacking after every swallow of your food is ridiculous. I also do not need to hear the spit being mixed into the meat or bread you are chewing. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! STFU!...or else!

I'm still afraid of my mom so i would never threaten her even as a joke. If i want chips, I'm going to eat chips whether you're there or not. I eat quietly at all times so no need to be considerate of myself. I eat quietly. For me , it's not moon boots, it's any shoe. I hate when little girls drag their feet because they grow up to be women who drag their feet. Why the hell are you skating across the floor? It's lazy and i hear it all day at work and it's always the women. Pick up your feet. walk with purpose for goodness sake! Or else....

that is all.


 

1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Yes, I don't want to get cut.  5. No  6. Nah, I know the sound.. its makes me want to punch their mom in the uterus  
#21 | 1716 days ago
cubsgirl2 (+)

kobe_lova wrote:

1. Clipping your nails in public is going to get you a black eye! Clipping them in the office after I've told you that it irks me will get you choke slammed!

2. The fast lane is for people who are willing to risk getting the ticket. If you want to drive 55, get the f*ck over. If you see me running up behind you at a pace that would involve me driving right over the top of your tiny little (insert the new popular super ugly slow box hybrid here), GET THE F*CK over! It's not hard.

3.Do not, under any circumstances leave a wet dish cloth sitting in the sink. This gets a wet nasty dish rag thrown in your face! Squeeze it out and hang it to dry. 

4. On that same note: Leaving dirty dish water in the sink will get somebody's child slapped!

5.Clicking pens will get  you a knee to the stomach.

6. Mis-pronouncing words because you really think thats the correct way to say it results in the kitten punch. I dont like cats so this is highly therapeutic. For example Aperntment is not the same as Appointment but i have to here it all of the time. and Alots is not a f**king word!

7. Smacking after every swallow of your food is ridiculous. I also do not need to hear the spit being mixed into the meat or bread you are chewing. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! STFU!...or else!

I'm still afraid of my mom so i would never threaten her even as a joke. If i want chips, I'm going to eat chips whether you're there or not. I eat quietly at all times so no need to be considerate of myself. I eat quietly. For me , it's not moon boots, it's any shoe. I hate when little girls drag their feet because they grow up to be women who drag their feet. Why the hell are you skating across the floor? It's lazy and i hear it all day at work and it's always the women. Pick up your feet. walk with purpose for goodness sake! Or else....

that is all.


 

 are you sure?  cause you were on a roll so dont stop unless you're sure.    And I love clicking my pen it eases my mind. (the first person that says what mind gets thier kitten punched)
#22 | 1716 days ago

cubsgirl2 wrote:
 are you sure?  cause you were on a roll so dont stop unless you're sure.    And I love clicking my pen it eases my mind. (the first person that says what mind gets thier kitten punched)
 oh i could go on... and stop clicking those damn pens when other people are around.
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Yes, I don't want to get cut.  5. No  6. Nah, I know the sound.. its makes me want to punch their mom in the uterus  
#23 | 1716 days ago

Oh I just thought of one more..................People who chew their nails Ugh just use a frickin pair of fingernail clippers, then at least I wouldn't have to watch you dine on your dirty fingernails or even better spit them across the room after your done biting them off!!!!
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Only in public.  5. No  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#24 | 1626 days ago

If I hear the sound of a basketball being dribbled outside, it gets on my nerves. I've taken a ball away from kids before by running up to them and kicking it somewhere else they can't get to.
#25 | 1626 days ago

Kenne wrote:
If I hear the sound of a basketball being dribbled outside, it gets on my nerves. I've taken a ball away from kids before by running up to them and kicking it somewhere else they can't get to.
Maybe later you can go steal a lollipop from a baby too.  Or grab an old lady's purse and hold it just out of her reach above her head.  Bully!
1. Other  2. HECK NO! she deserves it  3. No but I will try  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. Yes  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#26 | 1626 days ago

Jack Bauer knows how to cut you.
#27 | 1625 days ago

Ok, I drive on the Autobahn since I live in Germany.  I hate it when a person passes you and when they get back into your lane...it's like the want to get as close to your car as possible!  It just makes me want to ride their ass until they stop so I can give them a TEXAS-Size A$$ WHOOPING! 
#28 | 1625 days ago

i had alot to say 91 days ago.
1. Yes this  2. Depends on if you really would cut her  3. No but I will try  4. Yes, I don't want to get cut.  5. No  6. Nah, I know the sound.. its makes me want to punch their mom in the uterus  
#29 | 1625 days ago

MartinTide wrote:
Ok, I drive on the Autobahn since I live in Germany.  I hate it when a person passes you and when they get back into your lane...it's like the want to get as close to your car as possible!  It just makes me want to ride their ass until they stop so I can give them a TEXAS-Size A$$ WHOOPING! 
Rage much?  
1. Other  2. HECK NO! she deserves it  3. No but I will try  4. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.  5. Yes  6. Yes, please tell me.  
#30 | 1625 days ago

janet011685 wrote:
Rage much?  
Only the last few days.  I'm a laid back roll with the punches guy, but the last few days has been....eh frustrating to say the least.  I have been on the Autobahn a lot lately and I swear these guys drive worse then the people in DE!

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