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Joke of the Day -- 02/18/2010
 Joke of the Day -- 02/18/2010  Photo
| Closed on 02/28/10 at 05:00PM
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44.4621. Joke of the Day -- 02/18/2010

 &nbp;
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#12 | 1617 days ago
Cherrie (+)

  
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#1 | 1617 days ago

That picture is unreal, doctors wear gloves. 
11  
#2 | 1617 days ago
Mr_Rogers (+)

A doctor tells a guy: "I have some bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

#3 | 1617 days ago

(Edited by Fatal)
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND

SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" 

  

THE OLD FARMER SAID, 

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO,
 
CHUCK GOES." 

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.   

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND
 
STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE
 
RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND

ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED

MILDRED AND MARGE.
 

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO

SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
 
  
 UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD
 
OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",
 
WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR

AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, 
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
1  
#4 | 1617 days ago

 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
1  
#5 | 1617 days ago

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.    Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
 freeway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
 
  "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
 your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
 
  The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
  compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
 willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
  is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
 
  The man perks up at this.
 
  "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.
  But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
 had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might
 be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only
 to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
  important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
  The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
  The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
 spoken with your wife?"
 
  "I have," says the man.
 
  "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're getting granite countertops."

69  
#6 | 1617 days ago
JRSFLAME88 (+)

Cuddles is right!  They wear gloves(if I ever feel cold hands I'm going to knock him out) and the DR. also has to have a lady nurse in the room.  Jokes on you guys! lol
88  
#7 | 1617 days ago
Cherrie (+)

JRSFLAME88 wrote:
Cuddles is right!  They wear gloves(if I ever feel cold hands I'm going to knock him out) and the DR. also has to have a lady nurse in the room.  Jokes on you guys! lol
That comic would be funnier if it were a room full of pimps
#8 | 1617 days ago
Cherrie (+)

#9 | 1617 days ago

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way..

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'


'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'


'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.... You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational....

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy..


'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'


'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'  

#10 | 1617 days ago

Tooth hurts

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
#11 | 1617 days ago


 



---  cid:1.3081207929@web34203.mail.mud.yahoo.com

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green ...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room!
#12 | 1617 days ago
Cherrie (+)

#13 | 1616 days ago


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