"After nearly 26 years in elected office, this past nightmarish month and a half have, for the first time, severed the necessary harmony between the needs of my constituency and of my family. As this harmony is required to serve, its absence requires I leave."

First off, 26 g*d d*mn years is way too f**king much.  However, notice that our master specifically designates the last month and a half as "nightmarish".  This means that the first 25 years, 10 months, and 15 days were just by-gawd peachy.  Somebody got busted doing something he shouldn't have been doing.  As this particular event has "severed the harmony between the needs of my constituency and of my family", one can safely assume that his job somehow f**ked with his private life.  This is sometyhing that apparently didn't sever the harmony the other 25 years, 10 months, and fifteen days.

Cactus Jack is thinking maybe there's another intern with a blue dress floating around D.C.

"I do not leave for an existing job and face diminishing prospects (and am both unwilling and ill-suited to lobby), my priorities are twofold: find gainful employment to help provide for my family; and continue to assist, in any way they see fit, the Michigan Attorney General's earnest and thorough investigation, which I requested, into the 2012 petition filing."

Here it is in a nutshell:  He was about to be busted bigger than $h*t, and he knows that with today's job market, the chances of a retired politician finding a job are slim to f**king none.  Seriously, aside from embezzlement and other white collar crimes, what the f**k are they qualified for?

"While our family takes this step into the rest of our lives, we do so with the ultimate confidence in our country's future. True, as at other times in the life of our nation, we live in an Age of Extremes that prizes intensity over sanity; rhetoric over reality; and destruction over creation. But this too shall pass, thanks to the infinite, inspired wisdom of the sovereign people who, with God's continued blessings, will again affirm for the generations American Exceptionalism."

Its pretty, I'll give him that, but what our subject is saying in plain old english is that our country has gone completely off its f**king rocker.
 

"In closing, to The People of Michigan's 11th Congressional District, I can but say this: Thank you for the privilege of having worked for you."

Suckers!


That's our lesson for today.

You've been edJACKated!